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EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN MARRIAGE

EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN MARRIAGE

Patience had always prayed for a husband that won’t abuse her. For a really long time, even while we were in school, she would talk about the husband she didn’t want. She eventually got married before we graduated and we felt she was happy and enjoying life with the man of her dreams. 

It was 5 years later that I saw her again. She looked beautiful and was driving a lovely Honda Civic car. I naturally assumed she was doing well. I was shocked to hear all she had gone through for the years she had been married. 

Her husband didn’t dare lay his hands on her but he made sure she felt like crap each time he opened his mouth to address her. He called her names and stripped her of any dignity she had left. She felt worthless and useless. Nothing she ever did was good enough. 

They both went for several counseling sessions and met with their Pastor a number of times but he didn’t stop. She had no clue what triggered his anger. She kept wondering why he was so aggressive towards her but she didn’t discover until the marriage clocked 3 years. 

He felt she was still in love with her secondary school sweetheart and never saw himself as good enough for her, even when he provided her with all the magic life had to offer. Now that she knew what the challenge was, all she did was try to eliminate traces of her long-lost sweetheart to avoid any more witch-hunts from her husband.

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Emotional abuse in marriage is a hidden phenomenon and therefore usually difficult to identify inside the relationship. An outsider might not even notice it and the majority of the time the victim is unaware of its occurrence. In some instances the victim might figure it out but he or she is convinced that this fault is on their side and not on the abuser’s and so they just let it go. Some even tolerate the abuse with a hope that the abuser might change. 

Many married people really do stick through things because they made a commitment and they worked hard to get to that point. That’s very admirable – but the marriage will only work if you AND YOUR SPOUSE actually put effort into it on the same level. Every single abuser shows some emotional abuse signs. If the victim can read them he or she could be saved from further abuse. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse if not even worse.

If you would like someone to pray and counsel you please mail [email protected]

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GREAT SEX WILL NOT MAKE HIM STAY IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO

GREAT SEX WILL NOT MAKE HIM STAY

A month after they met, they let themselves go; they started meeting in their houses. One thing led to another and they had a lot of sex in the second month. They found it enjoyable when it started but soon afterward, they realized that was the only thing between them. Sex was the foundation of the relationship. 

Though marriage was the goal when they met, they hardly had that discussion ever again when they started having sex. It was an act they had both agreed not to do until after exchanging marital vows but they were never able to keep to that commitment. 

Every time Tinuola brought up the topic of marriage, Anthony just waved it aside and asked for sex. Though Tinuola considered the sex amazing and breathtaking, she didn’t feel comfortable anymore because the purpose of their meeting was not in sight anymore. Besides, as a Christian young woman, she knew that God frowns at fornication.  

Anthony met Tinuola on Facebook. He sent her a friend’s request and she accepted. They chatted a lot when they discovered that they both had a lot in common. Their days were so exciting, they were always using the messenger application to keep in touch; video and voice calls were a must daily. Anyone would conclude that they were meant for each other.

When Anthony suggested they had a physical meeting she obliged. It was such a fun date because they had both fascinated about what it would be like to go on a shooting adventure in a game house. It was such a beautiful outdoor experience for them; it was exactly all they had hoped it would be. That was when he asked her to marry him and she quickly accepted. 

Their next three dates were also outdoors and they had such exciting times. In the one month they were catching up over the phone, they didn’t truly discuss the true essence of coming together. They discussed how their days went and what caught their fancies but nothing significant; channeling them to settling together.

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Dates after dates, Anthony never spoke anymore about getting married instead he asked for more and more sex. Struggling between remaining chaste and her faithfulness to God Tinuola ended the relationship. Though heartbroken she felt it was best for both of them. 

Sex is a beautiful gift reserved for marriage and as enjoyable as it can be it can never on its own sustain a relationship. Great sex doesn’t automatically translate to a great marriage and for someone who is not interested in your heart, sex will not make him stay. Anyone who wants your body more than making a commitment would likely cheat with someone else if the opportunity presents itself.

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STAY GRATEFUL EVERY DAY

Stay Grateful Everyday

One needs to be alive to have enemies. 

Just like you can’t be dead and still have friends.

Therefore, it is imperative to be glad 

Irrespective of how precarious and hard

Where you may be at the moment.

Stop worrying; no need to vent. 

All things will fall in place. 

Remove focus from that empty space. 

There is certainly no mistakes

About who goes ahead and takes

Glory at a particular time. 

Do not feel like it’s a crime

When others are ahead. 

Relax and bless God instead. 

All things work together for good

For all who love God. 

Abide in Him and let Him abide in you.

Trust, especially when it feels He fails you.

Nothing He does is engineered to please man. 

That’s because He’s no respecter of man. 

Men need to learn to accept His will

And enjoy their freewill.

Enjoy each moment whether good or bad. 

Never allow yourself stay sad.

Staying sad is an unhealthy choice anyway.

You should decide against that every day.

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DEAL FIRST WITH THE VIRUS WITHIN

DEAL FIRST WITH THE VIRUS WITHIN

“Where are these insects coming from? Let us deal with the insects by buying an insecticide”.  Kunle said to Amaka when they discovered the insects were taking over their home gradually. 

Their kitchen had already been invaded and it was only a matter of time for their entire home to be crawling with all kinds of forsaken insects and even rodents. 

Amaka questioned the impact of an insecticide. She felt it was okay as a temporary solution but felt it will eventually cost them more if they chose to tackle the challenge that way. She was stretched to a breaking point cleaning up after Kunle. 

Kunle is fond of littering their home leftover snacks and sometimes food on their couch. He never remembers to drop them in the bin. He always says, “I was too tired to go to the kitchen to drop the thrash”. “But you are never too tired to eat though”, Amaka would say. 

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Amaka knew that the challenge would disappear completely if only Kunle would change his habit of cleaning up after eating. But she didn’t know how else to pass the message across to him without getting him offended. Her only option was to invest in a silly solution that will solve nothing but dips a hole in their pockets. 

If we keep tackling our challenges from the surface, ignoring the root cause, the ‘virus’ within will only keep attacking until it completely devours; she knows no mercy and is very ambitious. Nothing else matters to her than the lifelessness of her victims.

Live in your future now! 

Ahamefula Mark.

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YOUNG COUPLES NEED MENTORS

YOUNG COUPLES NEED MENTORS

We recently made an adjustment to a part of our Pre and Post Marital Counseling classes to include ‘couples mentoring’. This was necessitated by the fact that more and more young marriages seem to be having challenges that pose threats to the marriage. Unfortunately, sometimes it ruins the joys and excitement of starting a new family.

The concept of mentoring should be introduced to marriages classes and couples should agree on who they desire as a mentor for their journey in marriage; a mentor who would firm up that relationship and get counsel from such person(s) before they get married and after the wedding. The marital journey is not an easy one even when you marry your best friend so you will need someone or those who have gone ahead of you to learn from their experiences.

Many couples are sometimes ‘abandoned’ after the exchange or their marital vows. Their friends and family members fear they will be intruding, colleagues may feel they will be over-demanding and others just don’t want put asunder because they don’t know what else to do; their default mode is destructive. So whether the couple is doing well or not those in their immediate circle just let them be. Even when they are in error. 

I do not believe couples should be left alone especially in the infant stage of their marriage (whether consciously or otherwise). They should be allowed to go back and forth with their mentor, particularly with dealing with life’s challenges with a new partner; nothing should be left to chance. They both need the guidance and experience of someone who has been ‘there’ and perceived to be successful.  

All areas of their lives; finance, education, religion, having and raising children is to be looked into critically and reasonable agreements reached by both partners. Accountability regarding all these and the rate of progress are critical to the survival of their marriage. 

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There is a high chance the marriage will start getting boring after a few years, especially when the couple starts raising children. The only way for things to continue to feel fresh is when agreed changes are introduced.

The goal of the mentor will be to ensure proper support is given to the couple for as long as they will need such. At the time they become stable in most areas of their lives, they will be required to mentor another couple; providing them with the same support. 

This model can save thousands of marriages. I am convinced that every person who is married didn’t get married in the hope of getting a divorce somewhere down the line. Marriages can succeed, let’s try this. 

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Before You Invite Family and Friends To Settle The Matter

challenges in marriages

Alex wasn’t sure if Peju his wife was having an affair with her colleague Deji or if it was just a flirtatious friendship. The chats he saw were Deji affirming his love for her and how much he missed her. Although Peju casually dismissed it stating that Deji was just being playful and nothing to worry about, Deji spoke to his dad about his concerns. Papa counseled him to monitor her. His father also spoke to Deji’s mum about it. Mama did not hesitate to confront her daughter- in-law. Peju was devastated; what she thought was nothing to worry about became a threat to their marriage. Not because Deji doubted that it could be one of those careless chats from a playful colleague but Papa and Mama saw it differently. 

The truth is, challenges in marriages should first be managed between the couple in question and if necessary, their marriage mentor or counselor. I cannot begin to give examples of scenarios or share cases where because the couple having challenges shared them with family members or friends, things became worse. Some even opted for divorce on the advice of a family member or friend. Don’t get me wrong here, if you feel overwhelmed by your marital issues and need to talk to a family member about it, be careful about how you present your spouse to that person because long after you have settled that issue the person may never forget. 

I’ll tell you this; many friends and family members will naturally choose the side of the person that they are closer to in such a fight. The prejudice attached is major and it takes a lot from family and friends to be objective in such cases. They will support their brother or sister and sometimes regardless of if he or she is wrong. It’s just that sentimental attachment.

Just as some consider step-mothers as evil in some part of the world, so also some consider mothers-in-law as evil. Just as this is simply the perspective of certain persons, mostly our local movies, it has been accepted by many young couples to be true. The point is, mothers-in-law are not evil, they just would ‘protect’ their own before considering a new member of the family. 

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Couples should realize also that after the dust has settled and challenges have been resolved, most times these resolves are not communicated to family and friends, who will still be nursing displeasures. They will still be fighting a battle that has ended and after the couple has moved on. 

This is not a good place to leave your friends and family. Except in life threatening situations, it is safer to keep them out of your conflicts and challenges. Leave and keep them out. This is the most ideal way to flourish with family and friends whenever you have challenges with your spouse.

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WHY YOU SHOULD KNOW YOUR GENOTYPE BEFORE MARRIAGE

GENOTYPE BEFORE MARRIAGE

Sickle cell anemia has been a major killer of children and people from all around the world, over the years, lack of proper education on genotype to young people has caused a huge defect on several marriages, homes, family and household. Understanding our genotype before going into marriage is as important as the marriage, this is because the issues that springs out incompatible genotype are critical ones. ‘Wikipedia’, defines genotype as an organism’s complete set of heritable genes, or genes that can be passed down from parents to offspring. These genes helps encode the characteristics that are physically expressed in an organism, such as hair color, height, etc.

Simply put, genotype is a gene passed down from parent to their offspring. As it is, one of the major goal of a marriage is to give birth to offspring, knowing your genotype is a great determinant of the sort of genotype your offspring will have, some very few people are managing severe health complications due to genotype related issues, knowing your genotype will save you a great deal of issues.

It is no longer news to say that some genotype are clearly incompatible, I urge young people before going into marriage that they check up their genotype regardless of the love they claim to have for each other or even religious believes. This is because the sort of gene that runs through your spouse is not seen through love it can only be seen through adequate laboratory tests. To be sure of the genotype of your spouse or fiancé go for a test.

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Incompatibility of genes has been the reason why we have sickle cell outbreak all around the world, this severe blood complication called sickle cell has caused a lot of threats to life and has also hampered many love stories all around, it is very imperative we test to know our gene and that of our partners so as to keep them healthy and also produce healthy offspring.  A large amount of children suffer from this severe complications which is passed unto them from the genes of their parent.

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Genotype from the male and female merges during sexual and intercourse to produce another gene in the offspring, so both genes comes to play in the formation of an offspring, so as not to birth offspring with health complication we advise that only compatible gene get married.

Basically, there are five types of the hemoglobin genotypes which runs in human beings which are: AA, AS, AC, SS. The way it works is that in child production each person will donate a part of the hemoglobin gene that is, if the woman is AA she will donate A and if the man is SS he will donate S as that is what made up his gene.

Below is a list of marriageable genotypes

AA + AA (Excellent)

AA + AS (Good)

AA + SS (Fair)

AA + AC (Good)

AS + AS (Very Good)

AS + SS (Very Bad)

AS +AC (Bad Advice Needed)

SS + SS (Very Bad)

AC + SS (Very Bad)

AC + AC (Bad Advice Needed)

Getting married to a partner with a compatible genotype is necessary to kick out the spread of sickle cell anemia and given your children freedom choice on who to marry and also given them a chance of good health. Bone marrow transplant has been the only proven cure for SC, SS, and CC and it is very expensive and risky.

If you are getting married to your partner don’t get too entangled and forget about your genotype compatibility. It has killed a lot of promising children and talent and it has always been the fault of their parents.

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DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARRIAGE AND WEDDING

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARRIAGE AND WEDDING

These are very important subjects, and a phase which everyone will pass through and dwell in also for the rest of one’s life. I have seen many young people who are willing to get married to their partner and the total amounts of planning that goes into the planning of the wedding party is amazing not to talk about their tasteful desire on how they want their marriage to look like, but I have not seen so many people who had so much plan for their marriage, quite many people lookout to their wedding party with anxiety to see how the day will turn out, quite a number of young people just want to have a lovely wedding such as their friend had and that takes a huge chunk of their pre-marriage thought living them with no married life. I have not come to discontinue your wedding plan or discourage you from having your wedding, I know everyone looks out to their wedding day and I must say it’s a lovely day because it’s another beginning. We just want to place these two side by side and find out which of them is meant to have a top priority, not in terms of fear but in making it work.

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Marriage according to the dictionary is “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship” Wikipedia has it as a culturally recognized union between people, called spouses, that establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. To simplify this, we will say marriage is the solemnization of man and woman, on a long time goal to stay together forever with an obligation to cater to each other as well as your children and in-laws. This definition put marriage on the lead against the wedding which is the ceremony to commemorate the beginning of a blissful journey. If a wedding is just a ceremony amongst many others though this might be much weightier as it is the joining of two to become one. Defining wedding I will it’s a ceremony of two people (male and female) getting married, unlike marriage, no matter how long you intend to have your wedding in respect to some days, it must surely end, leaving you to your decision of staying with your partner forever.

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Oftentimes, many young people do not have a well-structured plan for what their marriage will look like but have clouded their thought with the frenzy of the wedding party, which ends soon for the main course which is marriage to begin. If you don’t begin to see beyond having just a lovely wedding and see how to make your marriage work, you might begin with so much challenge even in the early stage of the marriage, this is because there was no proper planning and education on marriage the goal was just to have an even and present your loved partner to the world. Sincerely stating, I will say one of the difficult things to manage is marriage, and this because, it is the union of two different people from different origins, backgrounds, possessing different attitudes towards things, character, and traits, coming together to live forever as husband and wife. The success of such union is not dependent on the frenzy or class of the wedding or the amount of money spent, I have particularly witnessed marriages with such a beautiful and classy wedding ceremony and in a couple of weeks, the whole marriage is in ruins with so much irreconcilable difference.

The thing is, there is no amount of wedding party that can determine the success of the marriage that marriage is successful is not dependent on how elaborate the wedding party is, neither is a low class or medium size a reason for an unsuccessful marriage. The success of the marriage is determined by the amount of commitment both parties put into it. For your wedding ceremony, you send out invites to people so they could come and felicitate with you but, would you send out invites to people to come to join you in your marriage? No! This shows that marriage requires that the two parties alone make a decision to stay together forever even without the influence of unnecessary third parties.

If there is anything that should take a whole lot if your attention while planning for your marital journey, it shouldn’t be the magnanimity of the wedding, but your attention should be given to making your marriage a success, the glam will go and all your guests will go, leaving for you pictures of the events and the glowing face of your spouse, and, a huge demand for making the marriage work.

I have also seen some certain young people who for lack of fund’s sake have refused to get married because they are saving up for the wedding of their dream, it is understandable that marriage is once in a lifetime and the ceremony is worth it, but if you lack the funds to stage grand wedding that doesn’t make your wedding less or proves that your marriage won’t be successful. Some folks even spend a lot on wedding preparation and having nothing to fall back on for the marriage journey, not even a decent apartment.

Here is my advice, if you are getting married even if you can afford the grandest of all weddings, know that the wedding is a celebration of a journey yet to start, do that which you can and focus on building a home together forever. Don’t let anyone build a standard for you that might be too demanding to achieve, do that which you can for a wedding, and put in all for your marriage.

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LOVE DOES NOT HURT

LOVE DOES NOT HURT

Love means several things to various people, to some it is a part of their life that died a long time ago and doesn’t exist anymore, to another, it’s a mode of manipulation to achieve the desired result, to another, love could also be to, what two persons can share, sacrifice, patience, some folks will say love is pain, love is truly in the midst of many lies.

Many times several people define love based on their experience around the entity, with quite a number of people being victims of severely painful circumstances, love has become the pain and a burden that would not heal. It is not false to say that many people have been manipulated, injured, abused and so, all for the sake of love. But we say that these are the actual traits of love or even say, the entity love does not exist? Over the years, have met several people and have seen them define love due to circumstance and experience and I must say those experiences are awful ones. Then a thought came, with all these that people have to say about love, is it that hurtful to be in love with someone, could love come with so much pain?

That life has wronged you some curves and loving someone cost you more than you could bear or afford doesn’t mean that what you have in you is the actual definition of love, that your experience was not pleasant doesn’t make love stories fables or myths, many at times I see a lot of people (elders) guide others not to fall in love that it makes one foolish and hence, taken for granted.

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides and when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that is inconceivable that you should ever part. This is because love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, this is both an art and a fortunate accident” Louis de Bernieres

LOVE DOES NOT HURT
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So love can’t be defined by an imagination crafted or a feeling, this is because all this will come and go, but love is a decision, a decision to stay a life and be of service to someone forever, to an extent It could be said that love is blood-related it is a decision to stay relevant to the heart of someone for as long as the person lives, often many things we call love don’t really love they are just feelings that hangs around an entanglement and what the person they claim to love has to offer, so at the disappearance of these things the so-called swiftly fade away. A perfect definition of love is God if we seek to fix in a model for love then God is the perfect one, His love is unrepentant, patient, reckless, sacrificial, and selfless. in the Bible we will see in the book of 1cor 13, how apostle Paul defined God kind of love through the whole chapter of that scripture, scriptures also in 1John 4:7-8-8 “Beloved, let us love one another for love is God and every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God is love (KJV).” Understanding the personality of God we will understand that if we claim to love God as we say then we must love also learn to love even to our romantic love.

Love is a decision to replicate how much God has consciously dealt with you on the basis of love towards another person, it is not based on what you intend to receive for offering love but it is about what you have to give, our model of love (God) is always ready to give than even receiving what you have to offer because often time the value for love cannot be quantified and neither giving nor receiving can quantify love.

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If God indeed is who adequately defines what love is to us, we must then also come to understand that the grievous experiences or circumstances aren’t what defines love us. The reason why we experience such situation in relationships that seemed as though it was loved based is that often times the love often comes as feelings and one could easily stop having feelings, it is important to note that love has eternal integrity which means it’s a decision to stay by someone for the rest of your existence on earth, so to some folks it seems like foolishness and it might also be true as “for God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise and God has chosen the weak things of this world to put to shame the mighty(NKJV)” 1Cor 1:27, another thing is that what we call love is based on something that is seen or available to receive and what happens if these features are no longer there, our description for love often should not be describable because truly if we look into some people they don’t deserve to be loved, but we still need to love because it is God’s command. We don’t really fall out of love what happens is that we fall out of forgiveness and the inability to forgive is a reason we keep so much pain in us, hence influences our definition of love and difficulty to love again.

In cases of romantic relationships, it is important that love is even, it has to be, so as not to have the love abused, but aside from that case, we should be able to love everyone equally regardless of what you get back.

Loving shouldn’t be hurtful, it should be something you enjoy doing as God has loved us first and has not backed out on us yet and will never.

Do you have an issue on love related issues and you need someone to talk to, we are open for discussions contact us today.

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