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WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND THE RIGHT LADY TO MARRY?

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I am in my thirties and it’s hard getting the kind of woman I want to marry. In all the girls I have dated cannot really say if I there’s a ‘wife-material’ amongst them. It seems the kind of ladies I like are either not interested in me; none has dared to be intimate with me as I want or already married. I am not a supermodel neither do I have that kind of physique that would make heads turn, but I do not believe I am ugly either. I am just okay for a young man but I do not know why ladies don’t take me seriously. I feel am getting old and time is running out on me.

You mention some very important things that suggest you may be looking for love in the wrong places and with the wrong ideas in mind. The first thing you said is: It seems the kind of ladies I like are either not interested in me” That means there are some ladies that are interested. The idea is connected with the next thing you say: “I am not a supermodel neither do I have that kind of  physique that would make heads turn, but I do not believe I am ugly either.” You end with a desperate comment: “I am getting old and time is running out on me.”

You need to examine what you are really interested in and what you are expecting. There are men who are not supermodels and have never been without a lady. Same way, there are model-like men who have never been in a serious relationship.Men without partners stay in their zone while searching. That does not mean there are ladies who are too good for them; it means they do not force a compatibility that is not there.

What are your criteria for a potential mate? Are you looking for something that is just on the surface: tall, dark/fair, and big hips? Are you moving too fast? Are you expecting too much? Is your attitude dismissing ladies who may be potential dates or relationshipsbecause you are too focused on what has proven not to work? If you want a different result, you have to do something differently to get it. If the criteria you are using is not working, you need to rework your plan.

The only guy who look like supermodels are supermodels and you must have noticed guys who you do not think measure up to you and are happily dating or married. A supermodel may be every woman’s dream, but they also have their own share of heartaches. Movie stars and celebrities get divorced and dumped, and in public too. Your looks do not guarantee you happiness and no lady takes your heart with her when she walks out the door.

You Might Be Too Desperate or Needy. There’s no quicker way to discourage a potential when you appear to be desperate or needy. Wanting a woman is not the same as needing one.Neediness is a state of mind where you feel incomplete, or have an emotional void, and try to fill this empty space with a relationship validation. Neediness usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or sense of worth. You feel like something is missing within yourself or in your life and erroneously believe a relationship will be the cure. If you were unhappy before the relationship, you’ll be unhappy in it. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself about being single, work on your relationship with yourself. Work on feeling your best and looking your best.

If you hear your clock ticking, chances are they (ladies) hear it too and to someone else whether it is a guy or a girl, it sounds like desperation. That is a turn off unless you find someone who is as desperate as you and that is not a good basis for a relationship.

You need to take a step backward and reassess. Look at what you want in realistic way. Even if you have an instant reaction to someone, you need to make realistic decisions about how you will act. Enjoy the moment instead of projecting your future on the women you meet. Start by simply meeting people. Get comfortable with that and you will start noticing realistically what ladies you attract and who attract you. Then, you can start building towards friendship. Once you are comfortable there, you can start looking at long term relationships. It could take weeks, months or even years, but until you get there, you will be learning more about yourself and your true likes and dislikes and that will make the dating experience get better with time and when you meet Mrs. Right, you will both be ready for the relationship you want so much.

Besides, being single is not a curse and being in a relationship is not also a cure for loneliness. No matter what stage of life you are in, it is important to take a personal inventory to look at the habits and choices that are helping you and the ones that are hurting you. Where you are now in life and the experiences you might be having are as a result of the choices you have made or still making.

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WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO FORGIVE MY HUSBAND?

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“My husband started an affair almost immediately after our wedding and I just found out; that is like 4 years later. He even has a child with same woman. I was really heart broken and wanted to end the marriage but I stayed instead to work out things. Although we have both seen counselors and therapist but it’s just so hard forgive him even though I told him I have forgiven him.”

The bad news is forgiving your husband is a daily choice you have to make. The good news is these tips on how to forgive your husband after an affair will help you start the road toward healing.

“Forgiveness doesn’t mean agreeing with, condoning, or even liking what has happened,” says IyanlaVanzant, author of Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything. “Forgiveness means letting go and knowing that – regardless of how challenging, frightening, or difficult an experience may seem – everything is just as it needs to be in order for you to grow and learn. When you focus on how things “should” be, you deny the presence and power of love.”

The first few days (or weeks…maybe months) are the most difficult, but with time you will move forward and be happy after your husband’s affair. These tips on how to forgive your husband’s affair are inspired by a comment from a reader. She said: “My husband cheated on me with his coworker, who has since left the company. How do I forgive my husband after the affair? I can’t look at him, much less let him touch me. How do I trust him after he cheated on me? I want to forgive and move on but it’s so hard.” – from Lost That Loving Feeling? When to Give Up on Your Marriage.

 

It’s important to remember that forgiving your husband after he had an affair doesn’t mean you have to stay married to him. This article is geared towards forgiveness and saving your marriage, but it’s just as important to forgive your husband even if you decide to leave him.

Forgiveness is for you, not him.

Prepare for the daily process of forgiveness

There aren’t any easy answers about forgiveness after a physical or emotional affair. It takes time, effort, and energy to build a healthy strong marriage that includes forgiveness and trust. You need to be honest about your needs, and know from the bottom of your heart that you can trust him not to cheat on you again. If you need something that he can’t give you, then you have to decide how to meet your needs.

Sometimes, learning how to forgive your husband after an affair is more about you than him.

Decide if you can live with your husband the way he is right now

You need to decide if you’re willing to live with your husband the way he is…because most people don’t change unless they have a compelling reason. You can’t convince your husband to change, and you may not even be able to force yourself to forgive him after the affair.

Maybe accepting your husband for who he is means you look past his affairs (but I don’t recommend that!). You can try to support your husband through the worst parts of marriage — and it’s especially effective when both of you are equally committed to saving your marriage.

If both you and your husband aren’t willing to work towards forgiving after an affair, then you need to accept your marriage for what it is, and not expect more. And, you might need to learn how to overcome obsession with your husband’s affair.

People perceive affairs differently

Men perceive physical affairs to be worse, and women feel emotional infidelity is more upsetting, according to a study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. This seems to hold true in “real life”, too.

One of my friends’ husbands had a physical and emotional affair with her best friend, and she said it was so difficult to forgive and trust him again — but they held it together. She said saving her marriage would have been easier if it was “only” a physical affair. But he was in love with her best friend.

That marriage was saved, and both husband and wife say it’s because God taught them how to forgive after the painful betrayal of an affair.

Believe that “happily ever after” DOES exist

Have faith in happily ever after.

 

It take effort, energy, time, and commitment to learn  how to forgive your husband after an affair. It’s hard enough building a happy marriage when nobody cheated, but forgiving and trusting after he cheated on you is difficult.

That said, however, it is possible to build a better marriage. And your marriage may be stronger, happier, and healthier because he cheated. Many relationships are stronger because of infidelity – and the couples DO live happily ever after.

Remember that love isn’t just about saying “I love you”

In fact, that’s the easiest, laziest part of love! Anyone can say “I love you.” Real, committed, healthy, romantic love is about how you treat each other, whether you respect one another’s wishes, if you can talk about your problems, if you’re emotionally and spiritually connected, and if you have the same goals for the future.

Forgiving your husband after an affair does not happen overnight

Learning to trust again after a betrayal such as an physical or emotional affair doesn’t happen once, nor does it happen quickly.

Rebuilding trust and forgiving your husband is a process that involves ups and downs – even if you’re the most forgiving person in the world. You will eventually learn to trust him after he cheated on you — but you have to work on it. And he’ll have to earn your trust.

“Accept the events of the past, while being willing to change your perspective on them,” says IyanlaVanzant. “Only forgiveness can liberate minds and hearts once held captive by anger, bitterness, resentment, and fear. Forgiveness is a true path to freedom that can renew faith, build trust, and nourish the soul.”

If want to save your marriage, consider getting counseling

Untangling emotional issues is very difficult, and a professional counselor can help you see how to forgive your husband after an affair. Marriage counseling doesn’t have to last for years or even months; sometimes it just takes a session or two to see what the issues are and how to resolve them.

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration is one of the most popular books on  forgiving and trusting your husband after an affair. It’s a long process that doesn’t happen overnight – it can take years to forgive him after he cheated.

Here’s what a marriage counselor says about cheating: “It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says Gary Neuman, author of The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman. “Be honest with your partner when you’re just beginning to become interested in someone else.”

If your husband is hiding his affair from you – or trying to make you feel crazy for thinking he cheated – then forgiveness will be MUCH more difficult. But if he’s honest about why and when he cheated, you might find it a bit easier to forgive him after an affair.

I welcome your thoughts on how to forgive your husband after an affair below. I can’t offer advice or counseling, but sometimes it helps to share what you’re going through. Writing can be one of the most healing ways to find peace and forgiveness.

 

Most part of the question answered by The Adventurous Writer

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WHY DO I FEEL TRAPPED IN MY MARRIAGE?

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“I have been married six. My husband and I started out in the university days we were best of friends. We were sure God wanted us to marry each other. Our courtship days were fun-filled, we did most things together. Family and friends even confirmed we are meant for each other but six year now in marriage I don’t feel like that anymore. It just seems to like there’s something different about him. I wish I could just walk away from him and be happy, some days I just sit and cry my eyes out. I have prayed and spoken to him about how I feel yet nothing changes. I really feel trapped in this relationship.”

The truth is, if you care to look around your married friends and even some of your family members, you will see at least one couple in which it is clear that at least one partner feels trapped in a relationship (marriage) they don’t want to be with. It’s often obvious because one partner sometimes looks miserable when with the partner, or because they are looking at other seemingly attractive couple and wishing things were different. Sadly, this has become a common occurrence.

Sometimes, it’s just the overall suffocation of duties, obligations and responsibilities that make you feel trapped in a relationship so much so that when you try to hide or ignore it, the feeling of regret mounts. Although there may be the temptation to seek excitement outside the marriage does not mean that you should feel trapped in a marriage you are supposed to be happy with. Many of the reasons why people feel trapped in a relationship don’t have to exist, and can be overcome. Before you resign yourself to a lifetime of misery, try to see if the reason you feel this way is due to any of the following reasons.

  1. Your partner changed, and what you loved about them is no longer there.

Many people will feel trapped in a relationship if they notice that the partner that they initially got with is no longer the partner that they are with right now. For example, many men may feel “cheated” if they married a woman who was a size 2, but now are married to a woman who’s a size 20.

The truth is, many people change in marriage and most of the time, that change is supposed to be for the better. If you are noticing a very long string of negative changes in your partner, there may be a deeper reason why this is happening. And if the partner is not telling or making adjustments to become better it might ruin the relationship.

Most negative changes come about when a partner is unfulfilled, depressed, or unhappy. If you want the old partner to come back, you are going to need to have a very frank talk with them and ask your partner why he’s behaving the way he is.

Tell him that you miss the way both of you used to be. It might be a tough discussion and so you may want to (gently) bring that up. The key to doing this is tact and diplomacy. Though you can offer a gentle push and tell your partner your needs, there’s not much else you can do for this.

If your partner is not willing to keep themselves attractive for you, you may want to cut your losses. It is not your responsibility to stay with someone who puts no effort in to make the relationship work. However, there are moments in which couples just grow apart which is also bad for the marriage and not a healthy relationship to remain in, because these kinds of relationships often involve a lot of arguments.

  1. The qualities that you fell for are still there, but you are just bored of them or taking them for granted.

Too much ‘familiarity’ can be a relationship-killer, and unfortunately, this leads many people taking their partners for granted. Never forget how hard you had to work to find this person – and how special they are to you. How long you had to wait and the investment you have put in just to have a happy relationship.

The fact that you spend a lot of time together doesn’t mean that you should be bored with him. Rather than just get bored of the sex or the talk, why not try to spice things up with an interesting new hobby, outing, or activity? Your university and courtship days were spiced up with these activities, you can reintroduce them.

Take time to think about all the good qualities that your partner has, and do your best to push aside the negative qualities. Sometimes, it’s best to focus on the expectations your spouse does meet rather than the qualities your spouse doesn’t meet. For instance, if you can take time to forgive your spouse of whatever existing offence and push away all his shortcomings, you are very likely to fall in love with him all over again.

  1. You are staying in the marriage for the sake of the children but greatly dislike your husband.

Staying “for the children” is one of the most unwise reasons to ever keep a relationship alive for a number of reasons.

First, you are doing nothing good for yourself because you are staying in a toxic, resentment-filled relationship with someone that you really, truly don’t want to be with. Remaining in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage is like taking a dose of poison daily; it makes you miserable every day and kills you slowly.

Secondly, you are also making this toxic relationship your role model for your children. Do you really want them to feel like they have no chance at finding a happy relationship in the future? This is what you are saying by staying with this spouse.

Moreover, children are smarter than you think. Most grown adults who were products of homes where a person “stayed for the children” also wish that they would have had parents who just divorced. This is because it was painful for them to see their parents miserable in their relationships.

Third, sometimes giving your children space away from a parent (particularly a toxic parent) is the best thing you can do for them. This is not saying you have agreenlight to bail on your children – but it is saying that leaving your spouse when the situation becomes toxic is an option.

  1. The only reason you are with your partner is because of financial reasons

If you really didn’t like your husband but felt comfortable with him because he met all your financial needs, you will eventually have that resentment and disgust bleed through into your partnership whether the money is there or not.

Ask yourself if the money is really worth staying with a toxic partner especially when who doesn’t care about your feelings or investing in the happiness of the relationship. Wouldn’t it better to start earning money on your own? If life is really, truly that bad with your partner and the only reason you are with him is money, your best bet is to start socking away money, then leave them.

You are overall unhappy, but you are staying because of the commitment you made to a person.

A lot of people really do want to stick through things because they made a commitment and they worked hard to get to that point. That’s very admirable – but it’ll only work if you actually put effort into it and have your spouse on the same level.

If you want the commitment to work, you need to be assertive – NOT PASSIVE. You will need to talk things out and give a genuine effort to make things work. If you both aren’t pulling your weight, the relationship will shrivel up into a very resentment-filled, hateful mess.

That being said, if you made a commitment to a partner that treats you terribly, there’s no reason you need to keep that commitment to them. Neither they nor you deserve the outcome of you committing fully to them while they abuse you or use you. You stay because your partner regularly puts you down, threatens you, and takes away your money.

This is abuse – even if your partner is not hitting you. This is a time when you call friends, family members, or even nonprofits or social welfare, and ask for help moving out your stuff.

If they threaten you, call the police. If they take your stuff, call the police and ask for an escort to remove your goods. Abusers are bullies, and the only thing they understand is people who fight back. Trying to be nicer to them in hopes that things get better will only make you a bigger target. Even if it seems impossible to leave, it is possible to get out of an abusive relationship – and it’s worth the effort to do so.

  1. You may be tempted to cheat, or you aren’t sure that you are really meant for monogamy at this point.

Tempted by the fruit of another? Well, it’s understandable. Having the same sex with the same person can get a bit boring – but that’s what monogamy is all about, right?

The best way to handle this is to talk to your partner about it and tell him the truth. It may hurt, but if your partner is mature enough, they’ll be willing to help you stay together and maybe spice things up. Who knows? Maybe he might have fantasies he wants to experiment with, too.

It’s also worth noting that minimizing cheating temptation is a must to maintain a healthy marriage. If you find yourself falling for a sexy stranger, keep away from that person. Stop talking to them and switch jobs if you have to. Lust is an “out of sight, out of mind” thing.

You also may want to ask yourself if your sexual needs are being met. If you are truly unhappy on a sexual level, it’s okay to talk about it with your partner and seek the help of a counsel to help you get your groove back. On the other hand, if you’re just bored, do yourself a favor and really try to make things work. Good partners are hard to come by.

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WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED

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“I was raped at 10 and the abuse continued till I was 15. I am finding it difficult to move on with life because I feel so guilty about the being abused. I keep thinking I could have done something about it or maybe there was some ways I enjoyed it and allowed the abuse to continue.”

One of the deepest and most painful effects of abuse is the profound sense of guilt that often afflicts survivors. Those who have never suffered the pain of abuse would loudly declare that the survivor was the innocent victim who did not cause the abuse and should not feel the least bit guilty. They are correct. Unfortunately, even though abuse survivors would loudly proclaim the freedom of guilt to others who have suffered abuse, they seldom apply this truth to themselves. This article will look at some of the root issues fueling the false guilt of abuse, and help those who are recovering from abuse learn how to overcome false guilt and walk in peace. The list is far from conclusive, but it covers some of the main causes of guilt I’ve seen through the years as I’ve counseled abuse survivors.

As a child, we want the world to make sense. We grow up hearing that the big people are in charge and we need to obey them. Everyone is born with a deep need to be loved and feel secure. We instinctively look to our parents and caregivers to fulfill those needs. Abuse from those who were supposed to protect us does not make sense. There is no way it can. As a child, our need to feel loved and secured is shattered as we are abused by those who were supposed to keep us safe and provide for our needs. After all, we were taught that Mom and Dad were in charge and we assumed that they were always right. In innocence, and in desperation to make sense of the world, children who are abused often assume that they must be the ones who were wrong, and therefore they deserve the harsh treatment they are receiving. This does not make logical sense when we step back from our emotions and evaluate the thoughts. No matter how badly a child behaves, no child deserves to be beaten physically or abused sexually. However, in the mind of an abused person, it seems to make all the puzzle pieces fall into place. “I am so bad that my daddy has no choice but to treat me like this.” Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

Believing that the abuse was “my fault” also instills a false sense of hope and control. Admitting that the abuse is not my fault, and recognizing that there is nothing that I can do to prevent the abuse, brings the terrifying realization that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to stop the abuse or predict when it is going to happen. This realization is accompanied by terror and helplessness. If I unconsciously believe that the abuse is “my fault” and that “my horrible behavior” caused the abuse, I can hold onto a false hope that I can prevent the abuse by becoming “invisible” or by being a good boy or good girl. After all, we are taught that bad things don’t happen to good boys or girls. Our abusers may even tell us so. Healing comes at a deeper level as we acknowledge that the abuse was not our fault, confront our terror and helplessness, and seek healing from safe people.

“My body responded to the abuse. That ‘proves’ that I must have wanted the abuse to happen.” Our bodies are amoral. Our sexual organs were created with many nerve endings that respond to touch. Our bodies don’t know if that touch was wanted or unwanted. They don’t know if the touch was from the loving hands of our spouse, or from the tormenting hands of an abuser. Our bodies just know that the nerve endings are being stimulated and that the stimulation feels good. Males commonly experience an erection during unwanted sexual touch which adds to the false guilt. Both males and females experience orgasm during unwanted sexual abuse. This does not mean that the abuse survivor wanted the abuse. It simply means that the body’s nerve endings did what they were designed to do in a situation that was not supposed to happen. Recognizing this truth has helped many abuse survivors overcome years of false guilt.

“There were times when I initiated the abuse. Surely this ‘proves beyond a shadow of a doubt’ that I wanted the abuse to happen.” There are many reasons why an abuse survivor may begin to initiate sexual activity with the abuser. The human heart is very complex and the wounds and voids of life can leave us starved for affection. Abusers know this and are expert manipulators. They seem to have a built in radar sensor to figure out which kids have emotional voids and are open to abuse. They can also figure out which kids are less likely to tell an adult that the abuse happened, and which kids are more likely to be shy and silent. They prey upon these vulnerabilities during the grooming process. The abuser grooms – or prepares – the potential victim by showering him with attention and making him feel like he has a special relationship with the abuser. The abuser may even buy special gifts for the child and/or let him do special things that others in his family are not allowed to do. Abusers often introduce abuse through non-sexual touch like hugging or massages. If the child is responsive to this touch, he then begins to make the touch more sensual. The child’s boundaries are eroded and he often suffers emotional confusion as this trusted friend begins to make unusual requests. Sometimes the victim complies because the abuser tapped into a vulnerable part of the child’s heart that craves attention. Sometimes the victim complies because he feels obligated to the abuser due to their special relationship. Manipulative abusers can make the victims feel like the abuse was their idea, and some even threaten the child or his family if he tells. This sets the victims up for further abuse.

Abuse fragments the victim’s heart.Sometimes abuse victims learn to “enjoy” the abuse out of desperation to avoid the emotional torment and terror of the abuse. Victims are usually conditioned to submit to their abusers and may not see any other options but to comply with the abuse. If children who are being abused were forced to live in the ongoing terror of the abuse, they would probably suffer a severe emotional breakdown. Often the child’s mind “splits” or dissociates. This means that a part of their mind stays to endure the abuse, and a part of their mind “goes away”. Think of the last time you had to perform a prolonged, mundane task. Your mind probably got so bored with the task that part of your mind began to daydream that you were off doing something exciting, while another part of your mind and body continued to perform the task. This is a very simple example of dissociation, and most of us experience this from time to time. Dissociation during abuse occurs on a far more severe level. The part of the mind that stays to endure the abuse is forced to “like” the abuse to avoid “going crazy”. Sometimes that part even learns to initiate the abuse to gain the favor of the abuser, or to protect younger siblings from the abuser. The victim initiating the abuse in no way justifies the actions of the abuser. No matter the situation, if a child makes sexual advances towards an adult, an older child, or a person in a perceived position of authority; it is the spiritual, moral, and ethical responsibility of that person to protect the child and to get help for that child as quickly as possible.

Sometimes abuse survivors feel a special bond with their abusers.Tracy, Tracy, and Garrison explain this in their book Mending the Soul Student Edition (Zondervan, 2011).Compounding the manipulation experienced during the grooming process, our bodies secrete special hormones during and after a sexual experience that bond our hearts to the object of our stimulation. God’s intent was that the bonds to our spouse continue to grow as we thrive in marital and sexual intimacy. Remember, our bodies are amoral and can’t tell if our sexual experience is within the boundaries of a godly marriage, or within the broken boundaries of abuse. Unfortunately, this works against abuse victims to deepen the strange emotional connection between the victim and the abuser. This also intensifies the confusion the victims face when they find themselves bonded to the one who causes so much pain. Fortunately, these strange connections can be broken through prayer and counseling to free the survivor from the emotional bondage that was forced upon him during the abuse.

“But I didn’t stop the abuse from happening, and I didn’t tell anybody about the abuse when I had the chance. Doesn’t this ‘prove’ I wanted the abuse to continue?”  There can be multiple reasons why victims don’t stop the abuse or report it to others. Remember that abusers are expert manipulators. They often trick the victims into thinking that the abuse was their idea. They may also threaten the victims that they or a member of their family will be harmed if they tell. Other times, the abusers exploit the bond that has been built with the victim. Abusers pressure the victim not to tell anyone or their “special relationship” will end and the abuser, himself, will be in trouble. Not wanting the “special relationship” to end may not make sense to one who hasn’t been abused. It helps to remember the issues of dissociation, whereby the victim’s mind – heart – is split into pieces. The piece of the heart that carries the terror of the abuse is separate from the piece of the heart that engages in a special relationship to avoid going crazy. As healing begins and the fragments of the heart are reunited, the survivor often feels relieved to recognize that a large part of their heart truly hated the abuse.

The process of “learned helplessness” keeps the victims silent. If the abuser uses aggression to force the victim to comply, the fear of being harmed can propel the victim to remain silent even after the abuser is gone. Small children may be fully dependent upon an abusive caregiver. They may fear abandonment and being helplessly left alone if they turn their abuser in. Children don’t have adult reasoning capabilities to figure out how to get help. They “learn” the message that they are helpless to stop the abuse. Even after they grow older and/or their abuser is gone, they continue to perceive that they are helpless. “Learned helplessness” explains why a child who is aggressively abused at home fails to tell a teacher or other caregiver about the abuse. During the healing process, survivors begin to learn their current coping abilities as they heal and grow stronger.

Abusers often refuse to acknowledge their guilt and push it off on their victims. The authors of Mending the Soul Student Edition explain that abusers should feel immense guilt for what they’ve done. This guilt should cause them to feel extreme conviction, leading to repentance and a full acceptance of responsibility for the harm they have caused. Instead of repenting, abusers commonly refuse to accept responsibility and harshly blame the victims. This manipulates the victims into carrying false guilt for what the abuser has done. One of the first steps to overcoming false guilt is to hand the guilt back to its rightful owner – the abuser.

Abuse survivors can take positive steps to overcome false guilt and the negative effects of abuse. The first important step that they must take is to come to Jesus. This step may sound obvious to anyone who hasn’t been abused, but victims struggling with false guilt often feel too dirty and disgusting to come to Jesus. Satan is right there screaming lies in the struggler’s ear. We can remind survivors that Jesus came for broken people. He forgave the repentant thief on the cross who was mocking Him just moments earlier (Matthew 27:44, Luke 23:39-43), and He forgave the woman caught in adultery (John 8:2-11). No matter how dirty we feel or how sinful we have been, Jesus came to heal people just like us. He loves us in a safe way and He can help us navigate through the healing process.

Abuse survivors will need the help of safe, godly people as they overcome false guilt. Yes, God touches our hearts individually through the Holy Spirit, but He also works through His people to heal our hearts. This can be a scary step for those who were abused by someone who was supposed to keep them safe. It can be especially frightening if that person was in the church. However, a principle in God seems to be to use healthy people to help us heal from the wounds inflicted by unhealthy people. A great first step in finding a safe person would be to talk to someone in the pastoral care department of your local church. You can also talk to a counselor who has experience in helping people overcome sexual abuse. As you heal, you can pray for God to send you one or two other safe people that you can share your story with. You don’t have to tell everyone about your abuse. God will show you who He wants you to tell. You will also need other safe friends just to enjoy life with. It will take some time to learn trust, but it is worth the effort.

Facing the pain of your past with safe others is essential in your healing process. You might feel like you just want to forget your abuse and move on, but it is important to acknowledge your wounds, take them to the cross, and find healing. One of the worst things about getting a physical wound that requires stitches is that the doctor has to wash out the wound before he stitches it up. That hurts. Sure, he could stich it up without washing it out, but that would leave contaminants in the wound that would cause much worse problems down the road. It is better to endure the short-term pain of cleaning out the wound thoroughly so that a deeper healing can take place. Your heart is just like this. It will be painful to talk about the abuse, but in doing so the Lord can bring a deeper and more thorough healing. As your healing progresses, you will find good parts of your heart coming back to life and you will have much more peace. The short-term pain of the healing process is worth it for the long-term peace the process brings.

Give yourself much patience during the healing journey. Healing is a process that usually takes much longer than we wish it did. Give yourself a lot of grace during this process, and take as much time as you need. I hope that your favorite part of the journey will be to learn about God’s safe heart of love for you. He is a safe caretaker that heals our hearts, strengthens us, and teaches us how to do life. You will learn some beautiful things about God along the way. You will learn some beautiful things about yourself too.

Response source: Reconciliation ministry

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HOW HEALTHY IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP? SCORE YOURSELF.

HOW-HEALTHY-IS-YOUR-RELATIONSHIP-SCORE-YOURSELF.

Everyone deserves to be in a safe and healthy relationship. Do you know if your relationship is healthy? Answer YES or NO to the following questions to find out. Make sure to write down your responses. At the end, you’ll find out how to score your answers.

The Person I’m With

  1. Is very supportive of things I do.
  2. Encourages me to try new things.
  3. Likes to listen when I have something on my mind.
  4. Understands that I have my own life too.
  5. Is not liked very well by my friends.
  6. Says I’m too involved in different activities.
  7. Texts me or calls me all the time.
  8. Thinks I spend too much time trying to look nice.
  9. Gets extremely jealous or possessive.
  10. Accuses me of flirting or cheating.
  11. Constantly checks up on me.
  12. Controls what I wear or how I look.
  13. Tries to control what I do and who I see.
  14. Tries to keep me from seeing or talking to my family and friends.
  15. Has big mood swings, is angry and yelling at me one minute but is sweet and apologetic the next.
  16. Makes me feel nervous or like I’m “walking on eggshells.”
  17. Puts me down, calls me names, or criticizes me.
  18. Makes me feel like I can’t do anything right or blames me for problems.
  19. Makes me feel like no one else would want me.
  20. Threatens to hurt me, my friends or family.
  21. Threatens to hurt him or herself because of me.
  22. Threatens to destroy my things.
  23. Grabs, pushes, shoves, chokes, punches, slaps, holds me down, throws things or hurts me in some way.
  24. Breaks or throws things to intimidate me.
  25. Yells, screams, or humiliates me in front of others.
  26. Pressures or forces me into having sex or going farther than I want to.

Scoring

Give yourself 1 point for every NO you answered to numbers one through four, one point for every YES response to numbers five through eight and five points for every YES to numbers nine and above.

Now that you’ve finished and have your score, the next step is to find out what it means. Simply take your total score and see which of the categories below apply to you.

 

Score: 0 Points

You got a score of zero? Don’t worry–it’s a good thing! It sounds like your relationship is on a pretty healthy track. Maintaining healthy relationships takes some work–keep it up! Remember that while you may have a healthy relationship, it’s possible that a friend of yours does not. If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, find out how you can help them.

Score: 1-2 Points

If you scored one or two points, you might be noticing a couple of things in your relationship that are unhealthy, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are warning signs. It is still a good idea to keep an eye out and make sure there isn’t an unhealthy pattern developing.

The best thing you can do is to talk to your partner and let them know what you like and don’t like. Encourage them to do the same. Remember, communication is always important when building a healthy relationship. It’s also good to be informed so you can recognize the different types of abuse.

Score: 3-4 Points

If you scored three or four points, It sounds like you may be seeing some warning signs of an abusive relationship. Don’t ignore these read flags. Something that starts small can grow much worse over time. No relationship is perfect–it takes work! But in a healthy relationship you won’t find abusive behaviors.

Score: 5 or More Points

If you scored five or more points, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship. Remember the most important thing is your safety–consider making a safety plan right now.

You don’t have to deal with this alone. We can help

(Adapted from: loveisrespect.org.)

Shalom!

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WHAT ARE THE SIGNS AN ADULT MIGHT DISPLAY IF HE WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD?

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“My husband was sexually abuse as boy, he says he’s over it but he exhibit certain attitudes that makes me believe he might still need a therapist. What are the signs an adult may display if he was sexually abused as a child.”

Attitudes an adult might display if sexually abused as child

There are certain attitudes an adult might exhibit if he/she was abused as a child and yet to open the door for healing. Some people may display some of these signs yet have not been sexually abuse or even had sexual encounter. So you may want to look out for 5 or many signd.

  1. Uses drugs and alcohol to suppress the hurts and memory. These can only be temporal and the effect of drugs, alcohol mix with psychological trauma is more damaging.
  2. Low self-esteem; the belief that everyone else is better or the acceptance that they do not deserve anything good.
  3. There is tendency to be in an abusive relationship. An abused person is often in search of love because they believe that if they feel loved it would take care of the past experience. Most of the time they end of in the wrong relationship not even knowing what to look out for in an ideal partner.
  4. Hatred for the opposite sex
  5. Lack of trust for anyone especially for the opposite sex
  6. Self-hatred; a victim never sees anything good in himself or herself nor think he or she deserves anything good. They just exist with no intention to becoming anything good in life.
  7. Suicidal signal. Some prefer to die than live with the thought that the person who hurt them is still alive and perhaps happier than them.

 

OTHER SIGNS MIGHT INCLUDES

  1. Multiple-abused-victim. Females especially, who were abused as children if she did not get help when it happened, it is likely to happen again even in adulthood.
  2. Depression. Victims are often sad and not interested in making any meaningful head way out of life.
  3. Distorted orientation about sex and love. Which may bring about sexual and intimacy issues in marriage
  4. Overweight due to excessive eating to cover up for the hurts. Eating may be the only thing some ‘victims’ derived happiness from.
  5. Being angry unnecessarily. Usually this is transfer of anger that is supposed to be directed to the abuser, it is transferred to anyone at the slightest offense.
  6. Guilt and blame. A victim not only feels guilty for what happened but looks for ways to ‘rope’ other people into it and believes if they had played their part better things would have been different.
  7. Mood-swings. A victim maybe happy and excited one minute and sad the next; may be friendly today and hostile the next; has very unbalanced emotions.
  8. Inability to give or receive the best in a romantic relationship. This also result into being unable to teach their children how to avoid or handle sexual abuse
  9. Victim-to-Abuser. There’s likelihood for someone who was abused to do same, take sexual advantage of younger people too.
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How do I open up to God’s Healing after Abuse?

How-do-I-open-up-to-Gods-Healing-after-Abuse

“I was sexually abused, I have seen a counselor and therapist but I still don’t feel well enough. How do I open up to divine and permanent from sexual abuse hurts?”

  1. Know that God loves you.

John 3:16 says, “for God so loved the world…” this includes you. When He gave His son for the world, although you were not born then but He KNEW you were going to be born and He included you in His plans. The abused experience is not capable of alienating you from His redemptive love. Roman 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Even when we didn’t know Him He sent His son so He might reconcile us back to Himself.

 

  1. Consciously love yourself

Love your vulnerability and your uniqueness. Many people become used to the “I hate myself” anthem because they feel they have been violated beyond redemption. If God loved you just the way you were (before you knew Him), then you should love yourself too. Although He has always loved you, He hates what happened to you. The truth is, we would not make much progress in the healing journey if we cannot love ourselves for who we are. Weak or strong, full of mistakes or not.

 

Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

 

God makes no mistake and having a “bad” experience does not reduce who He made you to be. Genesis records that He made us in His own image and He did not make everyone to be the same neither will everyone have same experience. That would have made life boring. The uniqueness of your own experience points to your unique purpose for which He created you, others have their own different experiences too. We are all exceptional in our ways and you should be proud about what makes you distinct including that fact that you are not a victim anymore.

 

  1. Be kind to yourself.

Some people can be nice to others except themselves because they feel they don’t deserve it considering what they have been through. Granted, that you had a bad experience but as you open the healing door for God’s intervention, be good to yourself. Stop punishing yourself by denying and depriving yourself of fun and good living because you are still ‘mourning’ the past. You have gone through a lot and you deserve some good loving, let it start with you to yourself. Stop hating yourself and probably thinking being a woman or being pretty is something bad. Look in the mirror and say nice things to yourself.

 

  1. Don’t forget your Source

You belong to God. The bible says you are not of your own; you are a child of the King. Wake up each morning with that consciousness and know that whatever be the issue the King is well able to take care of it. If you ever get to the point again when it seem like the

past is trying to force its way into the present and have a negative effect in your victory journey, call out to the Father, and He will answer you. “You will call upon Him, and He will answer you; He will be with you in trouble, He will deliver you and honor you.” Psalm 91:15

 

  1. You still have a future

Live responsibly. So you were raped. Or abused. That is not enough to alter who you are destined to be if you allow God take care of the dirt. You can still have a great future so be responsible. Do not take it as an opportunity to live care-free or carelessly. Remember that in the long run, nobody is going to buy into your excuse for failing because you were abused instead many would be interested in knowing how you used those experiences to become a personality to be reckon with. Who you were is not as important as who you become so focus your energy on becoming who you are meant to be rather than wasting a life-time on issues that deserve to be trashed.

 

  1. Take care of yourself

Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Sexual abuse is a trauma. The nightmares linger for years. Even while awake sometimes, the memory stay fresh in the mind and at every given opportunity it replays itself. It shatters the victims afresh and leaves more damage than the last time. The victim is affected mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sometimes physically. One of the best ways to deal with this it to consciously “fight” out the thoughts of the experience. Don’t entertain it. “…and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:27. Don’t let your mind feed on it. You will need to replace those thoughts with new healthy ones. Apart from reading the bible and mediating on the word, read other helpful books, use some good and healthy words to remove every lie of the devil still trying to take root in your heart.

Get on with life and be determined to make a difference

 

“One day I just said to myself so it happened, what next? This was after being abused by my father for six years and by other men for three years. By the time I was 17 I had both male and female sex partners. I thought sex was the best way to express love. The girls that turned me down when I asked for sex I hated me because I thought they did not love me as they claimed. After I gave my life to the Lord Jesus, I still struggled. I stopped having male partners but I had more than two girlfriends. I knew I had to cooperate with God to be totally free. I didn’t just also want to be free, I had friends who were sexually abuse and I felt I could introduce them to this Jesus. I let go of the girls and I started to talk to my friend about being free. It was not an easy walk but I was determined to live a new life.”

 

Forge ahead and get going, the past has nothing good to offer, besides you can’t change anything about it but there’s a lot you can do about now and the future. Don’t just get free and hide be determined to also be an instrument of redemption in the hands of God.

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HOW CAN I STOP BLAMING MYSELF?

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“I am finding it difficult to move on with my life because I was sexually abused by my uncle, I think my parents had an idea of what he was doing but they didn’t stop him. I also felt abandoned by God. I have forgiven him (my uncle) and currently seeking help but I still blame myself for allowing it.”

Moving Forward…

Quit passing blames, especially on yourself. True, you could have done differently if you were able to, but you couldn’t, you didn’t and so it happened. That’s not your fault. Many people after being sexually abused end up hating themselves and everything about themselves because they think it’s their fault. You may never move ahead to have a good life if you keep believing that it was your fault that you were abused. Or your parents’ because they weren’t there to protect you. What about those who were abused by their parents, who would they blame? Yet in my experience, I have met those who were abused by one of their parents but are doing excellently well in their calling having received counseling.

Sometimes the ‘victim’ blames the parents or those that are supposed to watch over them. The truth is, no one is super human when it comes to these things. However, if a parent is deliberately observant they would notice when there is a strange behavior or change in the attitude of a child. Let’s say they did not notice or ignored when they did, I encourage you not to blame them too. At this stage it will make no good instead it can result into bitterness and hinder your healing journey. Let it go.

 

Blaming Everyone including God

When something goes wrong, we naturally want to find who is at fault and also exonerate ourselves from that possibility. We even point fingers to those who may not even be aware of what may have happened. Our excuse may be that if they had done something differently it could have made the situation better or not happened at all. Most of us believe that our life would be perfect if someone did something we think is connected to us. We usually would find the link to something that would make us believe affect our well-being in life. When eventually we can’t find then it has to be the fault of the Supreme Being, God.

Taking responsibility for one’s actions as noble as it is, it is not that easy. However, that is NOT the same for someone who was raped or sexually abused. It is never the victim’s fault especially in cases where the victim was taken advantage of by an older or powerful person. It has nothing to do with whether the victim took responsibility or not.

God Does Not Promise Good And Does Otherwise

Sometimes when some people go through a hard time they believe it’s from God and they often say “why did God allow this or that?” God is not the originator of suffering and pain although we know that when we do not walk in His will there could be consequences. The bible says that His plan for us is of good and NOT of evil. God cannot have good plans for us and same time reserve evil plans somewhere for us. This is also a lie the devil wants people to believe so they can turn away from following God and keep them trap in denial, depression and rejection

God does not just want you to stop hurting, He wants to heal you and make you WHOLE. He wants to draw you near to Himself and put His mark of ownership on you. He wants to bring you to a place where He can make it seem like that past never happened; a place where that mess can become a message for others who may be walking that same path. He has a good plan for your life and there’s nothing the devil can do about that if you will open you to Him. Your past cannot hinder what God wants to do in your life. No matter how horrible you think your past is, God is the only being that can give you a future that will make your past irrelevant.

  • Let it go.
  • Embrace God’s love and plans for your life.
  • Shut out the voice in your head that keeps telling you it’s your fault
  • Don’t dwell on you should have reacted or responded
  • Be hopeful, you can be all you are destined to be.
  • Constantly remind yourself that you are not a victim, as much as possible verbalize it to yourself.
  • Enjoy quality friendship and invest in the lives of others.
  • Deliberately work on seeing yourself whole
  • Feed your passion or purpose, it will give you a reason to keep conquering.
  • Trust yourself. Believe in yourself.
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HOW DOES PURPOSE RELATE WITH WHO I WANT TO MARRY?

HOW-DOES-PURPOSE-RELATE-WITH-WHO-I-WANT-TO-MARRY

“After having series of discussions with me and my husband-to-be, my dad keeps saying my fiancé has no purpose in life and that we are courting without purpose. I need to understand how purpose relates with courtship.”

Courting Someone without Purpose

One day a woodcutter took his grandson into the forest for his first experience in selecting and cutting oak trees. These they would later sell to the boat builders. As they walked along, the woodcutter explained that the purpose of each tree is contained in its natural shape: some are straight for planks, some have the proper curves for the ribs of a boat, and some are tall for masts. The woodcutter told his grandson that by paying attention to the details of each tree, and with experience in recognizing these characteristics, someday he too might become the woodcutter of the forest.

A little way into the forest, the grandson saw an old oak tree that had never been cut. The boy asked his grandfather if he could cut it down because it was useless for boat building – there were no straight limbs, the trunk was, short and gnarled, and the curves were going the wrong way. “We could cut it down for firewood,” the grandson said. “At least then it will be of some use to us.” The woodcutter replied that for now they should be about their work cutting the proper trees for the boat builders; maybe later they could return to the old oak tree.

After a few hours of cutting the huge trees, the grandson grew tired and asked if they could stop for a rest in some cool shade. The woodcutter took his grandson over to the old oak tree, where they rested against its trunk in the cool shade beneath its twisted limbs. After they had rested a while, the woodcutter explained to his grandson the necessity of attentive awareness and recognition of everything in the forest and in the world. Some things are readily apparent, like the tall, straight trees; other things are less apparent, requiring closer attention, like recognition of the proper curves in the limbs. And some things might initially appear to have no purpose at all, like the gnarled old oak tree.

The woodcutter stated, “You must learn to pay careful attention every day so you can recognize and discover the purpose God has for everything in creation. For it is this old oak tree, which you so quickly deemed useless except for firewood, that now allows us to rest against its trunk amidst the coolness of its shade.

“Remember, grandson, not everything is as it first appears. Be patient, pay attention, recognize, and discover.”                                          www.skywriting.net

 God created everything including humans for a purpose. Nobody is on planet earth just to fill a space. When you perceive that your relationship has become more than just friends and shows every tendency to become married, you should be more worried about where your partner is headed in life than how much he or she loves you. Love go sour where there’s no vision or purpose. Your partner and the relationship can become a drag where both or one of you have no knowledge about your purpose in life. The beauty of life itself is hinge on purpose.

Simply put, purpose is the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. Purpose is what will make your partner give you the best of herself or himself because they have discovered who they really are. A man who does not know who he is will try to find his worth from his wife and would frustrate the relationship if he thinks his wife is not giving him what he wants.

Now that you have decided to get married, do you know who you really are? Have you discovered why God created you or are you just existing? Are you believing that marriage will make you fulfill your assignment in life or are you already fulfilling that assignment? Have you found out where that person is going in life so you are not led into a ditch? Does the person have a kind of passion you will excitedly support and urge to succeed? Remember, you cannot like a person and hate what they are passionate about.

When you meet someone and decide you want to marry, you should be more focus on how you can help them fulfill their purpose on earth than you are concern about sex, children and building a home. Marriage is a ministry; it is not about what you want to get from it but what you are ready to for your own good.

When God created Adam, wife was not the first thing Adam was given neither did Adam bothered God about how lonely he was. Adam already had a purpose, he was ‘earth manager’, Genesis 2:15, “And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.” So Adam was already busy fulfilling purpose when God saw that there was another need; the work was much for Adam, help was needed and Adam could use a company and He came up with the idea of a woman, “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18.

So God’s idea of marriage was because the man needed a helper to fulfil purpose. Unfortunately today, people who have not discovered purpose are getting married for sex and for other mundane reasons. Some get married because they think they are getting old and need to have children or because of the pressure from their parents to ‘produce’ grandchildren. While these reasons are not bad in themselves, God intends for us to achieve more together as a couple.

If you have discovered your purpose in life, you become careful with whoever you are getting married to because you do not want to be trapped by someone who will be a hindrance to you becoming who God created you to be. You get into courtship with the mindset that you and your partner are in it to please God.

Having A Purposeful Courtship

Purpose is the WHY you are doing what you are doing. For courtship to happen there must be an intention to get married. The couple must have discussed and agreed to spend the rest of their lives together as husband and wife. Starting a courtship with no intention to get married is like embarking on a journey with no planned destination. You cannot start courting as a means to secure your relationship; so that your partner will not go after someone else having waited for long. Courtship is best started when you are READY for marriage.

When counseling, I often suggest that a guy should not propose to a lady until he has at least an idea WHEN he plans to get married. The relationship will become a frustration if you have agreed to get married without a proposed time frame.

Courtship without purpose can lead to:

Þ Frustration and stress. Nobody likes to go through the waiting period especially when you do not know when the wait will be over. When you start courtship without a plan to get married one partner could be frustrated out of waiting indefinitely while the other stressed from the pressures to fix the wedding period. Best not to start courting until you are ready.

Þ Living in fornication. When you do not know your purpose in life you will be looking for significance or worth in other people and in other things, chief amongst them is sex and the ‘kind-of-love’ derived from premarital sexual activities. You believe that sex with someone you seem to be in love with will provide you that worth and happiness that finding and living your purpose would have given to you.

Þ Unplanned pregnancy. Of course when you live in fornication, one of the consequences of such act is having babies that are not planned for. Although there are contraceptives that are being used these days to prevent pregnancies does not make having sex with someone you are not married to right.

Þ Prolonged courtship. As much as there’s no define time as to how long a courtship should last, it is strongly advised that the couple plans to get married as soon as both of them agrees to be married and there is parental consent. The relationship can become burdensome when the courtship last more than two years. If both of you do not have marriage in view, then remain as friends instead of getting committed and promising to get married.

Þ Uncertainty about marrying the same partner. When there’s no purpose as to courtship or getting married, ‘trial and error’ is not far from the relationship because you will think that will make you be on a safe side just in case the relationship did not work. Once you are courting, focus on making it work and do not toy with someone’s emotion.

Þ Comparison. There is definitely going to be the tendency to compare yourself and the relationship with those you started out together with. Or comparing to someone you broke up with, now wishing you had married him or her.

Anxiety about the choice made. If you start courting without a plan to get married but so that you can be like your friends or because you are under pressure, reality sets in when the excitement of the proposal wears off. You begin to get worried when there’s no plan to get married. And soon you can also begin to feel caged in the relationship.

Þ Pressure and interference from family and friends. This is one of the major reasons I do not counsel couples to take their partner to their parents or family members until they are certain it will lead into marriage. There can be pressure on the couple to get married soon while they are still planning or family members could interfere in the sense that they may want to ‘choose’ who they think is most marriage-suitable for you.

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