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Helping Teens Resist Sexual Pressure

Helping-Teens-Resist-Sexual-Pressure

The pressure on teenagers to have sex is huge. Not only do they have to contend with the direct pressure to “do it” from their boyfriend/girlfriend, there’s the peer pressure from friends who want to know “if they have done it.” Teenagers may also feel the internal pressure to keep pace with their friends, as if competing in a marathon to lose their virginity. One way of helping resist these pressures is to anticipate them and discuss them.

As a teenageryou are more likely to have sex if you:

  • Entered puberty early, breast developing, hair in private region e.t.c
  • Socialize with other teenagers who approve of and encourage sexual activity
  • Place little or no value on education
  • Have a poor relationship with your parents, particularly your father
  • Rarely attend religious activities as a result of no relationship with God.

 

 

Tricks someone might use to Pressure teens to have sex

If someone wants to be intimate/sexual with you and wants you to do things that you are not comfortable doing, they may try to pressure you into it. There are many ways that a person could try and pressure you to have sex; some of them include the following:

  • Telling you that if you really loved them, then you would do it.
  • Telling you that they will ‘break up’ with you if you won’t do what they want.
  • Blaming you for getting them aroused.
  • Still doing what you have said you don’t want to do, by gradually easing into it.
  • Trying to get you drunk or under the influence of drugs so that you do not have the ability to say no.
  • Telling you that it is what other boyfriend and girlfriend are doing and that there’s no big deal about it.
  • Threatening to spread rumours that you are not “good in bed” or that you are frigid, or that you did it with them anyway. Blackmail.
  • Offering a relationship to you if you will have sex with them.
  • Saying “you have had sex with me before, what is the problem now?” if you made a mistake once, you don’t have to continue/
  • By undressing themselvesin front of you and undressing you by force.
  • Making you touch them when you don’t want to.
  • Saying that other forms of sexual activity are not ‘real sex’ anyway so they don’t matter.

All of these are ways to try and manipulate you and they are not correct or healthy ways to relate.

 

What Should You Do?

It is important to know how to handle these situations so that you do not get pressured into having sex. You will need to be firm…here are some tips for what you could say.

What to say when he/she says…

“You would sex with me if you really loved me.”

  • “If you really loved me you wouldn’t try to make me do anything that I don’t want to”
  • “I guess we have different ideas about love”.
  • “Good point, I guess I don’t really love you”.

“I will break up with you if you don’t do it with me.”

  • “You can’t make me do something by using threats”.
  • “I guess we just broke up”.
  • “I’ve just realized that Ido want to break up with you now”
  • “You don’t make me feel special and I am”.

“You’ve just got me aroused and now you won’t do it – I need to have sex.”

  • “You can’t force me by making me feel bad. I still don’t want to do it”.
  • “You can’t blame me for being arouse. It doesn’t hurt, you will get over it. I will feel worse if I do something that I don’t want to”.
  • “It is not true that men have stronger sexual urges than women. That is just an excuse”.

 “Other boyfriend and girlfriend do it. It is normal. Aren’t you normal?”

  • “There is no such thing as normal, and I am not other people”.
  • “How do you know other boyfriend and girlfriend are doing it…do you believe everything you hear?”
  • “No I am not normal, and neither are you”.
  • “Happy close friends don’t pressure each other into sex”.

“I’ll tell other people that you are no good in bed and that you are frigid.”

  • “It was a good try attempting to pressure me into it, but it just won’t work”.
  • “That is very immature. Anyone can spread rumours. Anyone can spread stories”.
  • “It’s unfair and uncaring and illegal to try to threaten me.”

“We can have a relationship if you have sex with me.”

  • “No thanks, I am not that desperate for a relationship”.
  • “That is not usually the way I like to be asked out. I think of myself as more than just a sexual being”.
  • “You cannot force me to have sex with you by offering me things”.
  • “No thank you, I am leaving now”.

“I will wear a condom if that will put your mind at rest.”

  • “You don’t need to wear a condom. We are not having sex”.
  • “Wearing a condom won’t put my mind at rest, sex is more than having fun with our genitals”.
  • “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore if you keep asking me to have sex with you”.

Some people may also try to get you drunk or under the influence of drugs so that you do not have as much control over what you are doing and saying. Be aware of what you are drinking. Try to have a trustworthy friend nearby looking out for you. Never leave your drink unattended, and pour your own from a can/bottle. Don’t let anyone mix your drinks for you.

Sexual rights

You have sexual rights, which means you have the right to be in control of your body and to reject sexual exploitation. This means that you decide what happens with your body, not someone else! You have the right to change your mind at anytime!

 

Above all, your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and God does not like it when you have sex before you get married. Honour and serve God with your body by practicing abstinence until you get married.

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Questions Teens Ask About Rape And Sexual Abuse

Questions-Teens-Ask-About-Rape-And-Sexual-Abuse
  1. I was raped. Till date my mum keeps saying it’s my fault that I shouldn’t have gone there.

Rape is a tough experience; it’s even harder when you are blamed for it. It’s never your fault when you are raped even when it happened in the ‘rapist’ (the person who raped you) home. If you had the power, you would have stopped it or make a report immediately for the person to be apprehended. Moving on is what is important for you right now instead of listening to blames. If your parents think it’s your fault that you were rape, I am guessing that you will not be able to stop them from saying this but it will do good to try to ignore it. I suggest that you see a counselor and discuss how you feel. Most counselors will seek an opportunity to speak to your parents so they can stop blaming you. Many teenagers do not like counselors talking to their parents about them because they fear there might be consequences. If you do not find a way to stop them from talking they are going to make you believe it’s your fault.

  1. I’m a 13 years old boy, I was sexually assaulted twice in school. I’m not sure what to do or who to talk to. I’m worried no one will believe me.

If you have been assaulted twice in the same place, it is likely going to happen again if you do not make a report to your parents or school counselor. A boy of your age maybe too scared to fight back so you need an adult to take it up for you. Worrying if your parents will believe you or not is just in your mind and that kind of thought will prevent you from speaking. The best way to know if they will believe you or not is to tell them and wait to see what they will say or do.

  1. I’m being abused by different men. I don’t have a dad and men always sleep with me before they help me. Why do I always fall in the hands of bad men?

It’s sad that some teenagers go through bad experiences to survive. It is not that you fall into the hands of bad men but that you may have come to believe that sex is a way to get help. If a man thinks that he can sleep with a girl when he gives her money, he will be ready to give her money so he can sleep with her. Girls who do this have poor self-esteem because having been abused by different men they believe that they are good for nothing. Also, if you desired a father and didn’t have or known one can also make you become vulnerable (exposed and weak) to men. The first step is to stop requesting or accepting favours from men that would make them want sex in return. Speak to a guardian, family member or a trusted adult that can help you overcome this struggle.

  1. My boyfriend and I were playing naked. My pant got wet and stained. Am I still a virgin?

Yes, you are still a virgin if you have not experience penetration or breaking of the hymen. When a girl is ‘disvirgin’, her hymen (a covering on the vagina) is broken by penetration through sex. You get wet and see stain because what both of you are doing is what will lead to sex. If you do not stop playing naked and having a boyfriend now you are going to lose your virginity to someone that may not be worth it. Sex is worth waiting for, wait for it.

  1. I broke up with my boyfriend because he raped me and denied, he said I allowed him. What exactly is rape?

Many teenagers complained of being raped by their boyfriends but most of these are not really rape. If you and your boyfriend are touching and seeing each other’s nakedness it will be hard to stay away from sex. If you were not ready for sex and he was able to sweet-talk you to do it, then he didn’t rape you. If he forcefully had sex with you then he raped. Most teenage-dating friendship ends up in sex, I advise you to stay away from such friendship until you are ready.

  1. My dad is abusing me. I can’t even tell anyone, I am scared of what he would do to me.

It is okay to be scared of what your father would do to you if he finds out that you made a report about him. He probably would threaten that he will kill or do something bad to you if you tell anyone. These are threat sexual abusers use in keeping their victim in bondage. Get your mum or any other older family member involved. Even if they do not believe you, at least you have made efforts. See a trusted counselor and request if the counselor can help you live with a relative.

  1. A new teacher in my school likes hugging me and touching my breast. He kissed me once. I am worried someone would see us.

Your worry shouldn’t be that someone will see you but that his hugs will soon lead to something more intimate. If a male hugs, kiss and touches you and you do not stop him, you are making him believe that you like him and that you want him to keep touching you. Stop going to him when he’s alone. Reject him hugging and touching you. If he insists, make a report to your parents.

  1. How do I report a lesson teacher of touching my breast and smacking my buttocks? I am afraid he will punish me for it.

Many sexual abusers threaten those that they abuse so they could continue abusing them. A sure way to stop an abuser is to report him. Open up to your parents or guardian. I’m sure the first step they would take is to stop you from going to that lesson. If you feel too afraid to talk to your parents, you could talk to another adult you are comfortable with but do not keep it to yourself. Your body is your private property; do not allow any man take advantage of it.

  1. My dad raped me and my mum warned me never to tell anyone, since then I have been so afraid that he would do it again.

Rape is a very bad experience let alone happening to you by someone you trust and look up to for protection. It is not right for your mum to tell you never to speak toget help. She is trying to cover up for your dad while you may hurt the rest of your life. Yes, it can happen again and that is why you are afraid, after all you never suspected that the first one would happen. Since you still live with your parents try talking to your mum about your fears, seek counseling to get healed, avoid been alone with him, dress properly when he’s home.

Culled from “BRUISED… 40 Questions Teens Ask About Rape And Sexual Abuse By EmikeOyemade”

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Am I Possibly Addicted To Sex?

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I am 20, and I have been dating a guy in my school for about a year. We are really in love and we hope to get married maybe in five years’ time. We have been having sex at least twice a week since we started dating. I enjoy it. Although we use contraceptives because I am really scared of getting pregnant especially because my Mom is a church leader, I still fear I may get pregnant. I want to stop having sex or minimize it, at least for now but it’s so hard to do and my boyfriend is not helping, each time I tell him, he says I don’t love him. I don’t want to lose him.

Jane*

Dear Jane*,

A Great Sex Is Not A Sign of True Love

While it is not surprising to have a boyfriend, become sexually active, use contraceptive and plan marriage at 20, these days, you need to urgently slow down or discontinue your relationship with your boyfriend before you cause yourself heartaches. Although you have a good intention – marriage in mind but you have started your relationship on a wrong foot. I am guessing you started having sex right after you met, meaning your friendship is largely sustained by sex and not true love. This implies that if you refuse sex with your boyfriend that may mean the end of the relationship. Marriage or a long term relationship with your partner needs much more than sex to be sustained.

Focus On The Basics

At this stage, you should be more focus on your education, making the best grades, pursuing a career rather than having a craving for sex and in a guy who says he loves you because he wants sex from you. Focus on your relationship with God. Building an intimate relationship with God should be your priority now. 1 Cor. 7:34, says “…the unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord…” because once you get married your attention becomes divided. No one can truly love or receive love with a relationship with God and if you want to have a happy marriage you must first build that relationship with God first.

Being Addicted To Sex

From what you wrote, I would not say that you are addicted to sex. It takes more than what you have stated to become an addict. In my years of counseling, sexual addicts usually do not keep one sex partner. There’s a difference between often having the urge to have sex and been addicted. The addict needs no urge or ‘encouragement’ to do it and make not care if he or she is just meeting the sex partner for the first time. However, no body planned to become a sexual addict; they all start from loving to do it as often as you are doing.

Sex is A Gift Reserved for Marriage, Not for Dating

I strongly encourage you to practice abstinence, when you do there will be no need getting scared of whether you are going to be pregnant or not. Contraceptives are originally meant for family planning and not to ‘put your mind at rest’ when you sleep with your boyfriend. Sex is a great gift reserved for married and there has never been anyone who had sex with their partner and got scared of not being pregnant. Except when they have decided not to have children.

Feelings Can Be Fickle

Being in love takes more than just the ‘feeling’ to have sex. You can have sex with someone without being in love with the person and you can truly love a person and not have sex with the person until the time is right.Feelings can be deceptive, someone you think you may not live without, something may happen tomorrow and you part ways.

True Love Is Often Worth The Wait

If you are really in love like you stated then both of you should be able to keep it ‘clean’ now as you also stated that you intend to get married. Five years is a long time and your perception of what true love means may change. You cannot even guarantee that you will still be in love with that person. This is the more reason you should focus on how to better your life. One other way to handle this is to talk to an older person, a parent or a counselor to guide you.

If you want to stop having sex with your boyfriend and control your ‘addiction’ to sex, you have to stop seeing him. There will not be much strength to resist the demand for sex if you are still seeing him. This may be hard but not impossible because if he insists that you do not love him because you refuse to sleep with him it means that he only wants your body, the sex you give to him and does not care about you and your heart. The possibility is that he will be sleeping with someone else or even having several sexual partners. Guard and protect your heart, emotions and face your studies. A better man will come your way when the time is right and not love you because of the sex you are going to give him but for WHO YOU ARE!

*Jane is not a real name

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