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Marriage

MY PARENTS WOULD NOT ALLOW ME MARRY A DIVORCEE

MY-PARENTS-WOULD-NOT-ALLOW-ME-MARRY-A-DIVORCEE.

My fiancée was married for two years and divorced her ex-husband on ground of infidelity. We talked about it and I don’t mind but my parents are insisting that as the first son I must not marry a woman who was once married.

 

While this may seem a delicate and sensitive issue to handle you want to be sure that you handle it in a sensible way. You need find out why your fiancé divorced her former spouse and be sure they are telling the truth. Do not make your marital decisions based on what she has told you alone, you need to talk to those who knew she was married before and if they can testify that she is not guilty of the issues that resulted in the divorce. The truth is,you are also human and capable of same flaws that made her divorce her first husband. Think about you being in a compromising situation, would you like her to divorce you. You must understand that whatever way she had treated her former husband, is same way she is going t treat you too if she finds you in same mistakes. You also want to consider how forgving she is and if the issues she had in the former marriages could have been resolved by discussion and forgiveness. This even gives you an idea of what you will be putting up with when you marry her.

Your parents will definitely have sentiments that their child who has never been married is getting married to someone with children. The general belief is that a divorcee should marry a divorcee or someone who is widowed. You need to also put your parents’ opinion in perspective because you are not just marrying her; you instantly become a father to her two children. You must be financially and emotionally ready for this. You cannot marry her and send her two young children away. Are you ready to be a father instantly?

Above all, have you prayed about it? If you have peace about marrying her and not so much peace about being a father to her children then you need to go back and pray again. You are going to be searching your heart for being a husband and a father. if you have prayed and convinced God is leading you, then you can speak amicably to your parents to also pray along. Then give them time for God to work on their hearts

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HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX DURING MY PERIOD?

HE-WANTS-TO-HAVE-SEX-DURING-MY-PERIOD

My husband wants to have sex during my monthly period and I find this very messy but he does not. The few times we have tried I did not really enjoy it because it didn’t feel right. I am not sure if it is even medically okay and if I will not get pregnant in the process. Is it really safe for me to have sex during my period?

 

Adventure Is The Name Of The Name

Some women have asked the same question over and again and there are others who claim that sex during menstruation is fun and just as normal as if they were not on period. The truth is when it comes to intimacy between you and your spouse, the name of the game is ADVENTURE and until you have put it to practice you can never know whether you will like it or not. That you have read or heard it from someone that it could be messy does not mean that you should conclude it to be so. Remember that even the ordinary act of sex without menstruation can be messy for some people. You can devise means to keep your own clean and neat.

 

No-Sex During Menstruation Is An Old Tradition

I believe in probing into why certain things are done or not being done. Many of the Christian couples who believe that there could be something wrong with intimacy during menstruation is because in the book of Leviticus it was considered an abomination to have anything to do with a woman on her period.

 

When a woman has a discharge of blood, the impurity of her menstrual period lasts seven days. Anyone who touches her is unclean until evening. Everything on which she lies or sits during her period is unclean. Anyone who touches her bed or anything on which she sits must wash his clothes and bathe in water; he remains unclean until evening. Leviticus 15:19-23

 

She was in fact considered an ABOMINATION until she was through with it. If she comes in contact with anyone or anything during that period that thing or person is also considered on clean. Thank God for Jesus! Thank God for the Cross! Thank God for the grace of God. I often think about how live would have been if that tradition was still in place for the people of God.

 

There’s No Medical Threat

There is no proven medical problem associated with sex during a woman’s menstrual circle, but if you really feel concern about this then you could visit a doctor to assure you about the safety of this. Yes it could be messy like you mention because the area is wet, there could be stains, your clothes or sheets could get blood-stains; and this is depending on flow. Someone women ‘flow’ more than others especially on their first and second day. Also depending on positioning, there are ways you could even avoid messing up the sheets.

 

It is also not painful

Some women have also claimed that sex during menstruation could be painful. I disagree with this because the vagina is not different from what it is when it is not her period. The sight of blood is not an indication of a wound around that area. If a woman experience pain during intimacy when on her period the tendency is that she could experience same when not on her period. And pain during intimacy can be due to various reasons for instance; positioning, sore private parts, being ‘wild’ etc. There are also women who experience painful menstrual cycle that has nothing to do with sex.

 

Don’t Force It If It Is A Turn Off

For some women everything becomes a DRAG and BORING when on their period, and so sex becomes a huge turn off. They wouldn’t even think about it let alone be involved in it. Even the act of fore-play can become annoying to her. If it makes you ‘sick’ then talk to your spouse about it and ‘invent’ other ways to satisfy him while waiting for you to get ‘dried’. Remember that intimacy is not all about sex; it is more about emotional communication and just enjoying each other even when there is no intercourse. If you can know exactly when your flow will start then you can let him have you right before then.

 

Go For It If It Works For You

However, sex in marriage is exclusive to the couple and is a function of their likes and dislikes. As long as it is acceptable to a couple it is okay. That something worked for a friend does not mean you must do it. If you are comfortable with it and your partner likes go ahead, if you are worried about the mess, then devise means to reduce the mess; put a towel on the bed first or use the bathroom, use a condom, use a menstrual cap, and use creative positioning.

 

When comes to satisfying your spouse be uniquely creative!

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MY WIFE IS ABUSIVE

MY-WIFE-IS-ABUSIVE

Our marriage is barely two years and I discovered that at the slightest provocation my wife becomes verbally abusive and raising her voice on me. It’s surprising to me because all through courtship she was this sweet nice girl. She even now sometimes threatens to do something bad to me if she ever catches me cheating. I am worried.

Any form of abusive is worth been worried over, it’s worse when the abuser is a spouse or someone who claim to love you. Abuse in marriage does not only leave a partner in a bad shape but can damage the children who are born into such situation. It can rob you of your self-esteem and even lead you into depression. Therefore abuse in any form must be discouraged. Verbal abuse is even worse because your mind will find a way to keep ringing those words in your head. Even when you forgive that partner the effects of hurtful words can leave the heart wounded for a long time.

Some people are very clever in hiding a bad attitude just to have a relationship, they often forget that no one can really hide who they are for that long. So once the wedding ceremony is over, they begin to reveal their true self. This is deception and any relationship built on deceit will not thrive.

She needs help and there is not much you might be able to do since you already feel this way. I will recommend a godly and professional counselor that can help to examine and raid her of the effect of possible abusive past. Children who grew up under verbal abuse homes, don’t see anything wrong in verbally abusing others, she may have been one of such. Infactsome people believe that verbal abuse is a way of cautioning or reprimanding someone.

Threatening to do something bad to you if she finds you compromising also might be a sign of a not-too-good past experience. It’s possible she had been once jilted or cheated on. Lovingly also let her know how her words hit you like arrow and how it is ruining the relationship. While you are in the search for a godly and professional counselor, ask God to heal and mend your heart, so you can lovingly help her to be a better partner. Pray to God to give her the consciousness to use her tongue wisely.

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MY HUSBAND IS CLOSER TO HIS MOTHER AND SISTER THAN HE IS TO ME

MY-HUSBAND-IS-CLOSER-TO-HIS-MOTHER-AND-SISTER-THAN-HE-IS-TO-ME

I am afraid I might have made a wrong choice of a husband. Once my husband is back from the office he spends hours on phone either talking to his mum or his sister that we hardly have time to talk in the evenings. Any little misunderstanding, he calls his sister or mum for intervention. Whenever they visit, he spends time with them talking in our bedroom and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this. What do I do?

 

The bible says in Gen 2:24 that, a man leaves his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. This is the standard; that when couples get married they leave ‘behind’family and friends to cleave to one another. Their loyalty is expected to be shifted to that partner and the new family in view. Unfortunately some people get married and never leave behind those they are supposed to leave behind; except for change of location, they are even more loyal to their parents and siblings than they are to their spouse. This is not right and should not be encouraged.

Being married with divided commitment between parents/sibling and spouse can sometimes hurts the relationship. The hurting spouse will feel cheated and would feel that privacy is invaded. By all means, couples should keep family members out of their matrimonial privacy.

Instead of regretting that you may have made the wrong choice for a husband focus on what can be done to establish the kind of marital relationship that you desire. Entertaining regrets would make you think that there is no remedy for the situation when you haven’t even tried. The first place to start is to ask yourself if this mum and siblings have always ‘invaded’ your home. Was there ever a time his family members didn’t interfere? At what point did you observe changes?

You must bear in mind that he didn’t start being attached to his mother and sister when he got married to you, meaning that you probably ignored this attitude when you were courting. Even if you claim not to have noticed, you will not be wrong because courtship is usually full of fantasy and unless you are vigilant you will miss out the details of someone character. This is to say that making him focus attention on you is not going to be easy; even his mum and sister would put up fight and may even label you as evil.

Find time to talk to him about your concerns and how you think this attitude is not helping the relationship. If you do not make efforts to discourage it he will think that you are fine them intruding into your home. You also have to discourage him from using your bedroom to have meetings with anyone no matter how close they may be. Your bedroom should be private to the both of you. Let him know that inviting his mum and siblings when you have issues is not the best especially since neither of them is a counselor. You need to set some tough boundaries with him in agreement to deal with these issues. It may hurt a little at the beginning but eventually you will have control of your home and marriage.

When you have done all you can, remember that God can do much more. He sees how unhappy you are in your home. Talk to him about it. With the help of the Holy Spirit, your husband can begin to take charge of the marriage and the home as you desire.

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MY HUSBAND LIES ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE

MY-HUSBAND-LIES-ABOUT-OUR-MARRIAGE

My husband moved out of our matrimonial home six months ago to live with another woman. He has stopped speaking with me or checking on the children yet he goes on Facebook posting pictures of the children and I giving people the impression that we are still together.Few days ago,it was our wedding anniversary and he posted our wedding pictures saying nice things about me and the marriage. I just want to put an end to all these lies and pretense.

 

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and in marriage where there is no trust there can never be true love. Especially when trust is broke by an unremorseful act of infidelity it can be difficult to restore even when the erring partner has been forgiven. Discovering that a partner you trust and have pledged a life time commitment tois cheating can be very heartbroken and it is worse when the cheating partner moves out because they think they have found someone better. It can be devastating.

There’s already enough drama going on in your life, you don’t need any more. What do you want to do, legally divorce him? It’s clear that you are dealing with a man who is probably confused; only a confused man would walk out on his family because of another woman. If he has moved and settled in with another woman why then does he give such impression that he is still with you?Well, this may also show that he knows that he is doing is wrong and need some pretense for cover up.

These are many people posting stuff on social media platforms that are not true and he is one of them. Instead of posting to refute his post, I suggest that you ignore him and his post and focus on your life and children. Focus on moving on and in creating a better life for yourself. It will be too much energy to pick up a fight with him, besides your story would become one of those entertainmentpiece on social media for people to just talk. You will live longer and be in good health if you put aside these kind of worried.

Easier said than done; ask God to grant you grace for such a tough phase of life and trust Him one day at a time to get over it. Stay within a strong support system; your support could be a family member or friend but you need someone you can constantly talk to and pull you up when you are done. Stay knitted to your children because they would feel as traumatic as you are no matter how young they are.

Eventually, you will win.

 

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I AM TIRED OF BEING THE BREADWINNER

I-AM-TIRED-OF-BEING-THE-BREADWINNER

My husband was involved in a ghastly accident five years ago which kept him out of work for a year. By the following year, he got better and was able to move around but refused to get back into active life especially getting a job to contribute to the family up keep. Since the accident till date I foot every bill and I am getting tired of it all.

 

Taking financial responsible for a home can be tough let alone when it also includes medical bills of a husband who can’t earn. I can only imagine how challenging that must have been for you especially if you had to pay school fees and accommodation bills. I must commend you for standing up to these responsibilities in the past five years and it is not out of place to feel the way you feel right now.

It is good news and a relief that your husband has fully recover and seem to be ready to get back to active business however, his doctors should be the ones to certify that he can go back to active business. Sometimes a person might seem to have recovered fully when they still need time to be fit enough. If he has physically healed and still slow down or reluctant to work, then you need to have a discussion with him to let him know how you feel about the increasing financial burden on you.

For some people, having been out of work that long might need some kind of training just to refresh their mind. Encourage him to go for such trainings, seminars and conferences, besides learning and refreshing his mind, he will meet with people that can open him up for possible vacancy. You also need to observe and question if he needs a counselor to speak with especially if the accident incapacitated a part of his body and no longer function as it used to. If he was a hardworking man who cared for his family before the accident, then he will be eager to get back to life with little support and encouragement. In your place of prayer commit him to God, tell him your desire for your marriage and your home. God will perfect his health and give him job favour.

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I AM NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO MY WIFE

I-AM-NO-LONGER-ATTRACTED-TO-MY-WIFE

We have only been married for five years and I no longer feel as excited as I was about her during our first and second year. I have tried to figure out what the problem might be, but found none. We use to spend time just talking but now we don’t seem to enjoy each other’s company what can I do?

 

Marriage is like a garden; if you do not cultivate it, weed will overtake it and chock out the good plant. If you do nothing for your marriage to be good enough for what you want, then nothing good will happen to your marriage. Many people get married thinking that it will be always be a bed of roses or a smooth jolly ride, they become disappointed when challenges begin to hit the marriage. Once the fantasy stage wears out in a marriage, the couple faces years of reality when love is beyond mere feelings to where commitment and sacrifice is more important.

It is only natural that after you have been married for sometime that the marriage might appear to be losing some spice. It happens to all marriages because marital commitment is more than verbally saying ‘I love you’, it is proving love daily with your attitude whether you feel that partner is perfect or not. Many things have happened to you both andthe union that may bring about changes. For instance, if you have changed jobs and spend more time at work than you spend at home, it would appear like you both no longer have time for yourselves. Also when you start bearing and raising children, it can impart on the relationship. This is why to have a good marriage you must constantly nurture it like you would do to your garden.

Creating time just to enjoy each other’s company has to be deliberate. You also have to make conscious efforts to be interested and involved in each other’s life and affairs. If you don’t make this happen then nothing is going to happen. Start by examining the communication between the both of you, if communication has grown cold, start by making little effort to bring it back to life. Check if you too have been too busy to make time investment into the relationship. Carefully observe if there are other things taking up the time she used to spend with you especially children. Marriage was ordained by God and so anytime we feel someone thing is not adding up we are supposed to run to Him for help and direction.

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WHAT’S WRONG WITH ‘MASTURBATING’ MY SPOUSE?

WHATS-WRONG-WITH-MASTURBATING-MY-SPOUSE

“I am married for 3 years and wife likes everything else apart from actual penetration which is fine by me. Some recently told her that masturbation is a sin and she says we should stop giving ourselves hand-job. I just want to know if there’s anything wrong in masturbating my wife.”

Absolutely nothing!Nothing is wrong to give and get sexual satisfaction from your spouse!

Maybe the question should then have been ‘what’s wrong with making passionate love to my spouse?”Your spouse!!!If you don’t then be prepared, someone else is going to do it FOR YOU. And maybe better. God forbid! When it comes to sexual satisfaction it should be a pleasurable adventure; no hard and fast rule attached but what is comfortable and enjoyable by the partners.

Ok first let’s get this straight, there’s ACTUALLY nowhere in the bible that the word ‘masturbation’ was mentioned neither does it belong to the Ten Commandments like “Thou Shall Not Masturbate.” Just like there’s no“Thou Shall Not Smoke.” Yet you know smoking is not good for you; it KILLS so you avoid it right? There are many other things we would not be caught doing not because we CAN’T do them but we know that those things are just NOT RIGHT for us especially as a believer. Even if they are cool for others.

It’s not just about masturbation and its addiction. What about fornication and adultery? What about incest and use of sex toys. Thou Shall Not Use Sex Toy is not in the bible but we know that using sex toy is NOT right. When God initiated sex, it wasn’t meant for toys or to be done with toys. So let’s summarize this way, the Holy Spirit confirms to a believer what is right and if the believer doesn’t do it it’s an offense to God. “In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don’t do it, that, for you, is evil.” James 4:17

When God initiated sex, it is to be within the bounds of marriage. It was marriage before sex not the other way as it is these days. His first intention is for PLEASURE, children are byproduct. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and CLEAVE to his wife.”Gen2:24. When it comes to marriage and sexually satisfying your spouse, to cleave means many good things which may include teasing all sexual organs by whatever means to give and get sexual satisfaction.

I strongly believe that whatever you do to sexually satisfy your spouse is really up to you and should be between you and your spouse. What is fun and pleasurable for one couple might not be so for another so just stick to what works for you and stop comparing how others are giving and getting their own satisfaction. Sex in marriage is an affair BEHIND THE DOORS and should not be compared to what everyone else is doing. No two people get sexual satisfaction same way even if they are twins. If the method is fine for you and your spouse and does not pose any medical threat then you shouldn’t bother. It’s something different if your spouse wants something that you don’t want or one partner wants something that may generate some health issues. If the pleasure and satisfaction is symbiotic then you are good to go!

For some people also, women especially actual penetration is less preferred to foreplay. So your wife might achieve sexual satisfaction just by the hand-job. It’s not the same for some men, until there is penetration he might not be as satisfied. Some women get satisfaction from ‘tongue and finger works’. They find greater satisfaction from being teased and touched. They look forward more to the foreplay than the main thing. Not many men are game for such ceremonies but a man who knows how to delay his ejaculation to satisfy her is a great partner and vice-versa. I won’t call this masturbation.

Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!  Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose – don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted!Proverbs 5:18-19

 

Shalom!

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How To Recognise And love A Sexually Abused Child

How-To-Recognise-And-love-A-Sexually-Abused-Child

While they are no sure ways to TOTALLY protect your child or ward from the chances of being sexually abused or even raped, however there is ALOT you can do to reduce those chances. Many victims didn’t ‘expected’ it when it happened, even when they ‘know’, as children there is not much they can do especially if the abuser is someone very familiar to them and someone they trust and look up to. When an adult (parent or guardian) is not watching out for the child, the abuser gets away. The child grows to become a hurting and bitter adult.

Not all children/teenagers will exihibit same signs and some will never admit been abused especially when they have been sexually active for a long time and if the abuser has threatened to hurt them if they speak. Of if the abuser gives the child money or gifts. Some of these signs includes;

  1. Shyness/timidness. Although not all shy/timid child indicate being sexually abused.
  2. A disposition of “I am a bad girl/boy” or “I am not good enough”. He/she sees him/herself as not just violated but‘filth’ compared to other kids that may have not had same experience.
  3. Self-consciousness especially when with the opposite sex. The memory is almost constantly present once alone with the opposite sex.
  4. Some suddenly become ‘big boy’ or ‘big girl’; displaying sudden maturity.
  5. Withdrawal sometimes resulting from a drop in academic performance and the fear of someone knowing what is going on.
  6. They fantasize and day dream alot especially of the experience. Often looking lost.
  7. Girls become terrified by the presense of a male (especially an older one). Some can even hate their brothers or men in general.
  8. Afraid to go home or hates going home, or hates family members especially if the child lives with the abuser. Or if the abuser is a neighbour or lives in the neighbourhood.
  9. Some teens become unruly and display disregard for their parents especially if the child feels the parents is anyway responsible for the abuse.

 

What Counselors and Parents need to know and do

  1. Overcome YOUR OWN fears of talking to your child/children/ward about sex. Teaching your child about sex is a responsibility of BOTH mummy and daddy or the adult in whose custody the child is in.
  2. Teach and practise godly principles; don’t just talk about it. Remind the child what it means to live ‘pleasing to God’ and why we should ‘present our bodies as holy and living sacrifice unto God’.
  3. Do not beat, threaten or punish the child even if you believe the child ‘enjoys’ it. They are already in a truama don’t make it worse.
  4. If a child makes a complain take it seriously, investigate without inflicting blames on him/her and give him/her a reassurance that you are doing something about it. Then TRY TO REALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. If she tells you and you do nothing, she may hate you more than the abuser.
  5. Watch out for their safety. Once they have opened up to you, they look up to you for ‘protection’. They have become your responsibility. Don’t bruise the child’s confidence in you.
  6. Talk to them like you do really UNDERSTAND what they are going through or what they went through and encourage them to talk. If they can talk about it, the easier it becomes for you to deal with and easier too for them to get it over with.
  7. Teach them boundaries. Emphasize the NO-GO-AREAS and teach them how to say “NO!”.
  8. If a girl is not comfortable being in a group task with boys, do not force her and vice versa.
  9. As much as possible provide for your child and teach them CONTENTMENT and discipline. If the child can be tricked with food or money, he/she will be lured with such.
  10. Cultivate open and direct talks about sex with your child/children/ward.
  11. If a child is not willing to talk, do not force it. Give the child some time. Or attend to it some other time. Be very observant.
  12. Be accommodating and interested when they ask questions about sex. Never assume they are ignorant or not old enough.
  13. For younger kids, keep emphasizing that certain areas (mention them) of the body are PRIVATE and should be treated as such.
  14. Give body parts names they can comfortably and openly mention when talking to you
  15. Follow up. When counseling a child, endeavour to check how he/she is doing. Most children fall victim a second time when no adult is watching out for them.
  16. Sex talks with wards/children should be as regular as possible until the child trust you enough to tell you anything happening intimately that may need your attention
  17. Pray continually for every child in your custody. If/when possible mention names.

 

Loving A Sexually Abused Child

Being sexually abused can be a very traumatic experience for an adult let alone a child/teenager and a victim needs as much love as possible to get over the  experience. When unattended to some teens become depressed, run away from home, become unruly and even contemplate suicide.

  1. Understand and accept that it is not their fault.
  2. Do not treat them differently from the rest of the children. They have not suddenly become aliens.
  3. It is not advisable to tell the rest of the siblings what happened, except in situation where siblings are old enough, can handle the situation and empathise with the child. Keep the ‘secret’ between you and the child to yourself.
  4. Speak loving words and encouragement as often as possible to regain the child’s self esteem.
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