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Healing

You Are Good Enough Just the Way You are

EMIKR OYEMADE – WISE WALK

The Danger Of Being Too People Conscious

When it became clear that I should give more attention to my calling counseling, I came up with several reasons why it would be difficult or impossible for me to fulfill that assignment. I thought about how people especially friends and family would accept and respond to metalk about abuses especially sexual abuse, reaching out to women in abusive relationships, praying for and with people who have made wrong relationship choices, encouraging teen moms and sharing the love of Jesus generally. I thought about my own personal past struggles and if people would believe me. I also feared that people would judge me wrongly.

I Wanted To Run My Life My Way

Although I knew that the scripture clearly states that His grace is sufficient for me to do whatever He commissions me to do, I just could not take the first step. It was just too big to even accept. I considered if the assignment would hinder my pursuit of MY OWNdream career. I even considered if some friends will not see me as being too over-spiritual. I struggled with if I was good enough or not and it took me years to fully walk in that path.

Obedience is priceless!

The peace of obedience cannot be imagined; it is better experienced. There’s this freedom that overwhelms you when you finally yield to something God is asking you to do.And truly, we do not need to have any special skill for God to use us. The problem is, we judge ourselves too critically and often think that God might be mistaken for choosing us. Ihave learnt that God doesn’t need anyone to approve of you before He would use you. You are good enough for Him just the way you are.

Sounded Like A Joke To Him

This was how Gideon felt (not good enough) when God visited him and told him He was going to deliver the children of Israel from the Midianites through him. Unbelievable! According to Gideon’s judgement of himself, there was just everything not right about him yet God would choose him? It must be a joke! It was because of his skepticism about being the chosen one that made him put God to test.

And the Lord looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee?And he said unto him, Oh my Lord, wherewith shall I save Israel? behold, my family is poor in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house. Judges 6: 14-15

Circumstances Do Not Define Us

In the passage above, God had earlier addressed Gideon with a title that directly was in contrast to his current situation, “Thou mighty man of valor.” I like to guess that Gideon would have chuckled in disbelief and go “are you referring to me?”“Yes, you mighty man,” the Spirit would have replied. The truth is, if we want to know who we really are then we have to look through the eyes of God, His word. Our circumstances and experiences do not define us.

You Are Chosen

Having heard the headline of his assignment, you would notice that he didn’t say he would not go but he started to list all the reasons why that may not be possible (poverty and being the least in a family that is not even recognized). But you see, God doesn’t see our mistakes and our past when He chooses us for an assignment. Once we ask Him for forgiveness, He wipes our slate clean and gives us another opportunity. Even when we think our weakness may become a hindrance to saying “Yes Lord,” remember Moses had speech impediment. Hand your weaknesses over to Him in prayers.

God Has A Good Plan For You

Whatever you may be going through or people miss-judging you because of your seemingly ‘ugly’situation (your dirty, unthinkable past), God’s plan for your live CANNOT be altered. And it is a good plan. Eventually in spite of his complaints and putting God to test, He yielded to the assignment. That is all that matters; becoming all God destined you to be in spite of whatever circumstance. God has good plans for you. “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Jer. 29:11

You may not seem qualified by the world’s standard, people might even write you off by certain disadvantaged perceived about you, don’t let that discourage you. Don’t give up on yourself because God won’t! Are you born again? If so then you have the Limitless Life of God in you. God is able to bring His purpose to pass in your life. You are good enough!

Don’t just read, pass it on to a friend and recommend it.

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16 SIGNS THAT YOU MAY STILL BE HURTING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

16-Signs-That-You-May-Still-Be-Hurting-From-Sexual-Abuse

There are certain issues an adult might exhibit if he/she has was abused as a child and yet to open the door for healing

  1. Uses drugs and alcohol to suppress the hurts and memory. It’s only temporal and the effect of drugs, alcohol mix with psychological trauma is more damaging.
  2. Low self-esteem; the belief that everyone else is better or the acceptance that they do not deserve anything good.
  3. There is tendency to be in an abusive relationship. An abused person is often in search of love because they believe that if they feel loved it would take care of the past experience. Most of the time they end of in the wrong relationship not even knowing what to look out for in an ideal partner.
  4. Hatred for the opposite sex
  5. Lack of trust for anyone especially for the opposite sex
  6. Self-hatred; a victim never sees anything good in themselves nor think they deserve anything good. They just exist with no intention to becoming anything good in life.
  7. Suicidal signal. Some prefer to die than live with the thought that the person who hurt them is still alive and perhaps happier than them.
  8. Multiple-abused-victim. Females especially, who were abused as children if she did not get help when it happened, it is likely to happen again even in adulthood.
  9. Victims are often sad and not interested in making any meaningful head way out of life.
  10. Distorted orientation about sex and love. Which may bring about sexual and intimacy issues in marriage
  11. Overweight dues to excessive eating to cover up for the hurts
  12. Being angry unnecessarily. Usually this is transfer of anger; anger that is meant for the abuser is transferred to any slightest offense.
  13. Guilt and blame. A victim not only feels guilty for what happened but looks for ways to ‘rope’ other people into it and believes if they had played their part better things would have been different.
  14. Mood-swings. A victim maybe happy and excited one minute and sad the next; maybe friendly today and hostile the next; has very unbalanced emotions.
  15. Inability to give or receive the best in a romantic relationship. This also result into being unable to teach their children how to avoid or handle sexual abuse
  16. Victim-to-Abuser. There’s likelihood for someone who was abused to do same, take sexual advantage of younger people too.
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Why hurt when you can get help

Why-hurt-when-you-can-get-help

I had this pretty-petti classmate in secondary school. She was intelligent and very quiet. We spent most of our break time together reading. She didn’t like to talk and she was obviously a sad girl. She cried at almost everything. When we were about leaving school I wanted to remain her friend but she declined neither was she interested in being anyone’s friend. I never was able to erase her memory, intelligent and pretty yet unhappy.

Five years later, I was hanging out with a friend at a mall when I saw someone that looked like her. At first I wanted to go after her but I restrained. I remembered how she had turned down my friendship and how she said she didn’t want anything to do with me. I looked away from the figure and continued my chit-chat. It may not be her.

She took a table not too far from us. Placed her order and busied herself with her phone. I looked closely. It was her! Prettier than before. I moved over to her table with excitement pulled her up and hugged her. She didn’t seem as excited as I was. There was still that same sadness in her eyes. This time I had the guts to question her and extended a hand of friendship to help her with whatever it was if I could. We took a private corner.

She told me how she was raped and abused by her uncle she was living with then; sometimes he even slept with her before coming to school.

Anger welled up in me, “why didn’t you say then? Where is he now?”

“He’s dead. He was sick and died. I was afraid then. I am still afraid now.” She started to cry. I tried to console her but the moment I held her hands tears came rolling down my cheeks too. I felt the pain, hurts of the years. Worse of all the betrayal. Betrayed by the one who is supposed to love, care and protect her.

I am glad that today that is no longer her story. She is healed and championing the fight against rape and sexual abuse.

Were you raped and still hurting? Is anyone having sex with you against your wish? Are you in any kind of abusive relationship and afraid that something bad may happen to you if you speak? Do you know anyone who is in a relationship and suffering? My friend’s life was spared but there are many who have died from abusive relationships either killed by their partner or killed themselves because they could no longer live with the pain and hurt.

There is a better you lurking within, suppressed by the hurts, let it out.

I will be available to pray with you and give you practical counseling if you desire.

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My struggle and freedom from sexual issues

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As counselor, I am often more excited about testimonies like these than someone buying a car or getting a new job.There’s a celebration in heaven when a sinner repents and even more than that, the same person becomes an instrument through which God reaches others. Awesome!

I Was Curious

I had my first sexual encounter when I was 12. I would not say that I was raped because I was fully aware of what was going to happen except that the person was my mom’s boyfriend. He had been touching me, kind of ‘preparing’ me and then finally came one day and said he wanted to have sex with me. I was curious and excited. My mom was not home and I knew he came at that time knowing that I would be alone. It was painful but not as bad as I expected since it was an experience I had been looking forward to. After that once, he had sex with me often until he broke up with mom.

My Father Didn’t Want To Marry My Mother

I had a very dysfunctional upbringing, my mum had me for a man who was married and was not ready to make my mom his second wife. Mom didn’t stop being his girlfriend. I remember he visited very often when I was young and even spent some weekends with us. Then he stopped coming and mom stopped talking about him. She said there was another woman. Mom was heartbroken, very disappointed. After a while she started dating other men and they came to the house. I saw them doing what they did. They were friendly to me too and sometimes some would smack my butt or get more intimatewith me with their finger while waiting for mom. Till date I don’t know why I was never able to tell her.

I Had An Unusual Crave For Sex

After my first sex encounter and the experience I had with that mom’s boyfriend I ‘enter’ into an active sex life. I would not say if I really had a boyfriend, the boys were just around me because of sex. I had multiple sex partners and most of them were just boys who knew I was available. Truth is, now that I am a different person I cannot understand why I had such an unusualcrave for sex. Except I was on my menses (monthly cycle) I could have sex at any time. Interestingly, my mom didn’t know this about me. I was a good girl on the outside. I went to church regularly three times a week and was very active in a department in church.

I Was On Several Sex-Chat Forums

When I’m not having sex or hanging out with all kinds of boys, I would be on the internet sex-chatting with males that I have never met. I visited several chat forums just to get involved in dirty chats. Let me mention here that, I would masturbate while on chat forums. There were guys I exchanged nude pictures with, they would send me sex videos and it seemed like the fun would never end.

I Thought I Couldn’t Live Without It

I didn’t masturbate with my fingers I had sex toys and it still amazed me how my mom never found that out too. Anyway she had her own issues. I craved sex stories, movies and anything that would keep the images of sex in my head; it was as though I would not live without it. I was not bothered if I would contract STDs and I used several contraceptives so pregnancy was not possible. There was this guy later asked me to marry him. I refused, I knew that one man will not be enough to satisfy my appetite for sex.

I know this may sound crazy, but I also cheated with mom’s boyfriend. Most of them actually, and they seemed to prefer me but like I said I was not ready to be in a committed relationship.

It Was Supposed To Be A Sex-Talk Show

One evening, I tuned onto a particular radio station where I know they talked about sex. I only listen to it often so I didn’t know they had changed their presenter and their style of presentation. The presenter talked about sex quite alright but she was talking about how God can help you handle sexual addiction issues. That was the first time it ever occurred to me that I had a problem. I wanted to turn it off at the mention of God but she had a compelling voice, I had to listen. It was just only for a few minutes and I felt like she was talking to me.

I Needed A Change And Quick Too

You can only imagine the guilt that overwhelmed me when the presenter signed off. I felt dirty and worthless. I cried that night like I never did, I knew I needed help but did not know how to go about it. Grateful! I remembered the presenter’s name, found her on Facebook and sent her a message that I needed to talk to someone. Amazingly, she gave me attention and every day for months we talked, prayed, I cried, regretted, repented, felt God’s love, she showed me love, she never asked me why I was doing what I did neither did she fault even mom!. When I even expressed anger at mom, she cautioned me!

It’s a WHOLE NEW ME!

I’m 30 now and in a committed relationship, hoping to get married soon. I have straightened my relationship with mom although she is yet to come to know the Lord but I have no doubt that it will happen soon. My life is all brand new and different. That crave is no longer there because I have learnt how to counter it with the word of God. The guilt and shame I use to feel when I see any of those men I slept with is no longer there. That old me PAST away. My fiancé knows about my past and he has really been helpful with teaching me the word of God and very supportive of my intention to help other people from sexual addictions.

God Can Reach You Too

In all of these I have learnt that God can reach anyone, He can love anyone no matter how ugly your past may be. All you need to is come to Him and leave the rest for him to bother about. I hope my testimony would bring a change to someone.

*Testimony sent in by someone we have been privilege to counsel and be a blessing to.

If you would like someone to counsel and pray with you send a mail to info@wisewalk.org

Shalom!

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15 signs you are not over your ex

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Disappointment happens and sometimes no matter how hard we try to avoid it, we just can’t. We however have the choice to remain disappointed, learn a lesson from the experience and move on with life. It’s not this easy when it’s a failed relationship especially if you thought it was going to lead to something more serious like getting married. So now it did not end as expected!

That’s life; sometimes things do not go the way we want them to especially if other people are involved. You can’t control or force them; only their full corporation can make it a happy relationship. Some people find it easy moving on after a failed relationship, others don’t but the truth is, the earlier you are able to accept the reality that the relationship has no hope of working the better it is for you to move on. Here are some signs that you may still not be over your ex and not ready for a new relationship.

 

  1. Crying often. It’s ok to cry because you are hurt but don’t do it like your life cannot be better except with that person. This is almost more like ‘mourning’, a part of you is gone and you cannot seem to control the shock and emptiness the break up has brought on you. Get used to it. Crying doesn’t do any good. Instead it could make you sick, depress. Dry those tears and get on with life.
  2. You are still hoping he/she will have a change of heart and come back for you. Even with the knowledge that he/she is seeing someone else you are still ‘believing’ your relationship will be reconciled.
  3. You are stalking. You keep checking his/her Facebook status to see if they are involved with someone else and what latest information they might update about their new relationship status. You even ask questions from friends that knew you both together; you are not even sure why you are doing so.
  4. You are monitoring. Every new updated photo, you read the comments and take notes of the details especially if it’s a group pix and how he was holding or leaning on another female. When you see a face you don’t know you begin to assume it must be the new partner.
  5. You are struggling with letting go even though you know it’s a ‘dead end’ but you can’t stand the loneliness. As a result you are hoping that a ‘miracle’ would happen for you to return together again.You even attempted sending “I miss you” text but decided against it.
  6. It is impossible to delete his/her text messages especially the ones with ‘sweet nothings’ and those reaffirming your love for each other. You keep reading hoping to get new ones for a reunion.
  7. You are practicing ‘escapism’; avoiding everything and anything that would make you come in direct contact with your ex. You prefer to leave the job than work in same office with him because you may lose concentration if he/she comes close or you can’t stand him/her dating someone else to your knowledge.
  8. Faking disconnection. You deleted him from your social media networks and cut off some people who are friends with you both but now you are wishing you didn’t take that decision and hoping she will be the first to add you back on Facebook.
  9. It’s almost a year and you are not involved in anyone because both of you had sex for the first time and you believe that the relationship is your one and only true love.It’s your first love and no one else can love you more.
  10. There’s a potential partner lurking around you but you are comparing the qualities of your ex with the potential partner especially when you think they were great and would have loved to spend the rest of your life with him/her. You may not be interested if the potential partner does not match the qualities of your ex.
  11. You suddenly become an introvert; keeping more to yourself. Being alone and watching movies become a newly discovered hobby. You don’t want to go out and have fun because you don’t want to do anything or go to places that will remind you of him/her.
  12. You have a secret treasured item belonging to your ex. You have done away with every other thing except that item and it brings fond memories that make you wish you are still together. Wake up to reality! You are not together anymore! Do away with every reminder of hurt and get on to the next stage.
  13. Friendship by extension. You have become nicer to his/her friends, your intension is just to maintain platonic friendship while you are getting over the hurt.
  14. You become terribly upset when he/she gets into a new relationship and you are hoping the new relationship will not work too.

15.It’s affecting your relationship with God as most of the time you would have used praising God you are crying to Him and asking Him to reconcile the relationship.

  1. You haven’t been going to church because you are in same church and what he/she did is not expected of a Christian. Did you breakup with your partner or with God?

LET IT GO! If it’s past, treat it as past. You can’t have a grip of the future still holding onto the past.

 

Sometimes God delivers us from the wrong relationship so He can give us what we really deserve. Don’t keep holding on tightly to what God is doing away with. You may miss the REAL thing.

Shalom!

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Why people remain in hurting relationship?

Why-people-remain-in-hurting-relationship

During a counseling session this week, it was obvious that this person was hurting, yet finding it difficult to let go of this hurting relationship. So I decided to share with you some reasons why some people remain in hurting relationship is because

  1. They are afraid to hurt. It is better to hurt a while and make a good decision when the hurt is over than to remain in a hurting relationship. You can never be happy with a partner that makes you unhappy. Is this true about you?
  2. They think they have invested too much time, money, and whatever resources.Every relationship is an investment and whether it turns out for good or otherwise there are some things you can never get back.
  3. The fear of starting again especially if the person thinks he or she is ‘too mature’.It is better to get into the right relationship at 50 than to remain in the wrong one from when you are 25. You are in no relationship competition with anyone so get it all over again if or when there’s a need.
  4. ‘What will people say’ syndrome.I understand that feeling when you have told all your friends and family members that you are engaged and then you are no longer sure because you are not happy with your decision. What you should consider first is not how you friends will feel but how YOU will feel if you remain with a choice that is not giving you happiness.
  5. If they person is meeting a financial need. People like others to pick up their bills even when it is at their own detriment. So when they consider that that financial source will be cut off when they break the relationship they opt for just managing it.
  6. Emotional and sexual needs. It’s so sad that now sex has become a souvenir, no regard for its sacredness and there are many people who are in relationship just to have sex, whether they are happy with their sex partner or not is not important.

 

Get out of a hurting relationship and stop giving someone the opportunity to treat like trash.

Never get into a relationship with someone who is not committed to God FIRST. Marriage takes more than feelings and having fun times always. You will need God all the way.

 

Stay bless!

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Raped and abused, need to get over it

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“15 years ago, a man who I trusted and looked up to for protection and care took advantage of me. He did it more than once…I cried until I got used to it. Till date I can still see him coming to me and his face beaming with wicked smiles. I promised to kill him when I grow up but God came into the picture. He died anyway. Then God healed me, I know I am changed but sometimes I can’t stop thinking about how dirty and USED I feel. I can’t even bring myself to start a marital relationship. No man is worth filthy me.”

 

This is one of my most touching mails in a long time. It brought tears to my eyes but I am grateful to God that you have opened the door of your heart for God. If He started a good work in your life be sure that He will PERFECT it. I know how this feels and I can bet that if you let God in totally then your healing process will be complete. There’s nothing like being free from the pains and hurts of the past; and the freedom to go forward without inhibitions.

It is true that most child rape and sexual abuse happened by those the ‘victim’ trust the most and sometimes those they expect to protect them. Sometimes it is even those they live with and are related by blood. It is never a child’s fault and in most cases there’s not much the child can do except when another adult finds out. The experience is traumatizing for an adult, let alone a child. Sometimes, the negative effects of such experience manifest in adulthood when the ‘victim’seem to be healed and over it.

A major reason some people still feel guilty, ‘used’ and not being able to get over the experience even when they claim God has intervened is because, they haven’t really forgiven themselves. FORGIVE YOURSELF. The truth is, forgiving someone is easier than forgivingyourself. So you could have forgiven the abuser why you are still seeing all the faults and wrongs in you. This does not mean you will no longer remember the experience; but when it does cross your mind, it will no longer hurt you or make you feel like it just happened. Forgiving yourself takes conscious efforts of loving and appreciating yourselfand believing that the plans and purpose of God for your life remains as He intended itinspite of whatever happened.

Jeremiah 29:11-12 “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.”

That you were abuse didn’t take Him by surprise neither does it make Him love you less than the rest of the women who have never slept with a man. You still matter to Him and He wants to use you to achieve His plan and purpose.

It is even not advisable to start a marital relationship when you are still hurting or blaming yourself for something that was absolutely not your fault. If you do you are going to make your partner suffer for something they know nothing about.

Shalom!

*Don’t keep hurting, God can use your ‘mess’ for His glory. If you want, I will be here to walk with you, pray with in your total recovery journey.

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